Every Progressive wants to reach the Glorious World of Next Tuesday™.
But not every Progressive is willing to admit that Karl Marx was just a dingbat with a delusional economic conspiracy theory.
Comrades, this is a problem.
There are countless potential converts to Marxism in the world – your friends, coworkers, and neighbors – whose only understanding of Marxism is that it’s a tool in the hands of power-hungry genocidal maniacs. And all too often we, Marxists, are too trapped in the dogmas of historical and dialectical materialism to meet those masses where they are, and make a connection with them by admitting that their wrongthink is probably right.
So consider this a prophetic plea to my comrades in the Party: We are never going to reach the Glorious World of Next Tuesday™ until we’re willing to admit that Marx got everything wrong.
In order to connect with the masses, we have to be humble enough to accept that Karl Marx was just a sore loser consumed with envy and greed, and so he reinterpreted human history to fit his personal pet peeves. We have to be open-minded enough to affirm that Marx had stolen his philosophy from Hegel and Kant and that his theory of class consciousness is sheer lunacy that has nothing to do with reality.
Furthermore, if we want to free the toiling masses from the chains of capitalist oppression, we have to be unpretentious enough to admit that “class struggle” is a silly conspiracy theory and that “scientific communism” is an elaborate fairy tale concocted by Engels to assuage his guilt at being a successful capitalist entrepreneur.
How can we reach workers and peasants of America and other industrialized nations with our Current Truth™ when we walk around like we are absolutely certain that Karl Marx was infallible? How can we say that communism is our inevitable future if we’re not willing to reply “Doubleplusgood, comrade!” when our counterrevolutionary neighbor tells us that socialist economics in practice suffers from a 100% failure rate?
Who are we to assume that we have a monopoly on the Current Truth?
Was Marx an economic genius? Can socialism work? Maybe, maybe not. Probably not.
The more pressing question is this: Does it really matter?
I say that it does not. I say the more important issue is that there are masses of skeptical workers and peasants out there, completely unaware of the fact that they have nothing to lose but their chains. These struggling masses are waiting for you and me to bring them the Current Truth about the glorious benefits of a proletarian dictatorship, on the “to each according to their need” basis.
In a world where 100% of Marxist regimes have suffered a complete and utter failure compounded by massive repressions and murder of the opposition, the only way for Marxists to regain their credibility with the working classes is to finally admit that Marx was completely and utterly wrong about everything.
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Imperatorskiy Pingvin originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.
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