US to Grant Citizenship to Population of South America

Panem Et Circenses
1/17/2019, 10:42 am This article is republished with permission from our friend Oleg Atbashian at The People’s Cube.

Washington, DC – Ranking members of the House Subcommittee on Immigration are putting the final touches on a new bill to allow nearly the entire population of South America and parts of the Middle East to immigrate to the United States and become citizens.

Mr. Ron Shifty, a spokesperson for the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), provided details about the legislation which is expected to pass along party lines. “Ms. Pelosi delegated the task of writing the legislation to the brilliant freshman Representative, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), who quickly determined that we will not be doing any more half-measures for our borders.”

“As you can see from the pictures, there are many people that want to come to our country. Many of them are women, children, and non-aggressive-looking men fleeing corrupt and dangerous conditions in their native lands. They are poor, hungry, and just want to work in a country that provides generous economic assistance for people who don’t work. But why only let in those few stragglers capable to make the long journey here? That would be unfair to those who are incapable. The plan is to bring all of them in and to urge them to vote.”

The proposal consists of letting the entire population of the following countries enter the US and be granted full citizenship:

  • All 12 sovereign countries in South America (Argentina, Bolivia, Brazil, Chile, Colombia, Ecuador, Guyana, Paraguay, Peru, Suriname, Uruguay, and Venezuela)
  • Syria
  • Iraq
  • Afghanistan
  • Bangladesh
  • Pakistan

The announcement was followed by questions and answers. The attendees were warned that it would be racist to ask any questions about the plan’s cost, logistics, or its impact on current US citizens or institutions.

Mr. Shifty assured the nation that the committee had thought everything through, with the same thoroughness they give to all legislation. “We don’t foresee any major issues with the plan as written,” he said. “Just boatloads of happy people.”

When asked whether transportation would be provided for the approximately 850 million people that might move to the US under the new policies, he shrugged saying, “we’d probably throw that in, too.”