Related: Published 3/25/2020 – Humor for Hard Times: Covid-19
Well, we’re continuing our march into madness and are well into the most documented time in human history – the Corona-Virus, COVID-19 Pandemic, or, as Democrats are beginning to call it: “The Wuhan Super Happy Fun Chinese Death Flu.”
Americans are dealing with our situation in different ways. The Onion reports that “Hysterical mobs of violently bored citizens have begun looting puzzle stores across the country. I watched someone punch an old woman in the throat just to get her hands on a book of riddles. But I’ve always said there’s a real ugly side of humanity that comes out when people are faced with a limited supply of 5,000-piece landscape scenes and decide to turn on one another. At press time, reports indicated that online retailers were offering 500-piece jigsaw puzzles of cats sleeping on bookshelves for $800 each.
People have been texting the most bizarre videos of Hollyweird actors surviving their Chinese corona-virus social-distancing and virtue-signaling in their homes. Poor little Drew Barrymore thinks her face is melting off or something. Ellen Degenerate is having a rough time with her puzzles, piles of keys and lego kits. Madonna has declared corona-virus “the great equalizer” while naked in a milky bathtub of floating rose petals. David Spade acts like he’s going to kill himself if he doesn’t get to talk to Tom Hanks. And, Hank’s wife Rita is giving out her personal phone number to the world. What the heck? It’s not like they have to wait for San Fran Nan to give them some money so they can pay bills and eat. Did they run out of ‘rich people toys’ to play with? Who would have thought this virus would be so rough on them and leaving their faces looking all puffy like they’ve been crying for days? Remember the Golden Globes when they made a big deal about getting flu shots? Maybe they should have gotten a vaccination for the COVFEFE instead.
Speaking of videos, here are some cute little clips running from five seconds to three minutes a friend has taken over the years. One of them documents the “cotton” lazily falling from the cottonwoods at Santiam Flats Campground (USFS) near Detroit, Oregon. None of them has anything to do with anything, but it might keep you occupied for all of ten minutes or so: Old Mountainman’s videos.
On a brighter note, we’ll all be able to make our genuine imitation vegan pot roasts by simply leaving them outside, which means nobody will run their oven, resulting in less carbon outputs and Grand Kommissar Al Gore feeling oh-so-warm and fuzzy. FLOORWARD!
Some of our fellow Americans are stepping up and doing whatever they can to ease the pain and anxiety of all of us, including musicians.
Here’s Daddy Stovepipe performing The Corona Bug Blues
And this, from Mads Jacobsen, songwriter trapped in Italy: The Corona Virus Blues
Even Mungo Jerry is getting jiggy with his song: Corona Virus Blues | LockdownSession
We seem to have a theme. Some of the funniest are posted on FaceBook. Here are two of my favorites, but you have to log into FaceBook to see them, if they haven’t been removed yet: Quarantine: Day 5 and I Nearly Died.
Since I’ve had 25 years in the food industry, this video really speaks to me…
And finally, if you have a shred of sanity left, here’s the Chillbillie Twins performing their classic: Flatten that curve!. That should do it.
In an effort to contribute along with my fellow Americans, I’ve scoured the depths of the World-Wide Web for the best advice on dealing with this emergency: Walls work. Consider building one around your home or residence. Social isolation does not mean social media isolation. In the interest of boosting public morale, patriotic Americans should devote at least an hour each day to owning the libs. Limit your interactions with Democratic donors and other serial perverts. Avoid public transportation and other socialist abominations. The China virus may spread more slowly in warmer temperatures. Until scientists can learn more, it is prudent for all Americans to contribute to the so-called “global warming” phenomenon by eating meat, Mexican food, and rolling coal.
One of the biggest factors causing an uncontrollable nation-wide panic is the Tissue Issue.
Do you know how much toilet paper to have on hand? Click this helpful link to calculate how much toilet paper you’ll need (if you can find any!) https://howmuchtoiletpaper.com. BUT, I notice that it is missing some key features:
What if I am transgendered? What about sturdy Soviet TP? What if the TP is frozen? What if I use OPTP (Other Peoples’ TP)? What if I live in the woods with the bear? What if I use right hand wiping instead of left? What if I drink Pruno? What if I have to use State supplied CBD because my regular dealer got shot? What if I need an abortion? What If I had direct contact with Joe Biden? Sooooo many question. I don’t know what to do.
Psychology Today actually published an article back in 2010 that addresses the psychosis that some people have if they don’t have access to their preferred brand. The author asks: “What are the psychoanalytic issues of the humble tissue?”
The Kimberly-Clark Corporation, the manufacturers of Kleenex® Brand tissue, is launching a new marketing campaign directed toward millennials. “Kleenex–we’re there for you like your mother never was. Your father was wrong, go ahead and cry. We’ll never let you down, the way they did.”
This isn’t the first time that our country has experienced a toilet paper shortage crisis. The Great Toilet-Paper Panic of 1973 started with a joke that quickly led to a nationwide shortage and was actually the advent of “fake news.” Apparently, toilet paper is the only thing that will spur Americans to rally behind one commodity without being forced, like Obamacare.
It started with an unsubstantiated rumor. “You can laugh now,” said Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show in 1973, “but there is an acute shortage of toilet paper.” There wasn’t— but it didn’t matter. The broadcast sent America into a mass panic. Millions of shoppers swarmed into grocery stores to begin hoarding toilet paper. The Scott Paper Company insisted that the shortage was being artificially induced, and urged people to stop panic-buying the product. Nevertheless, for four months, toilet paper, absent from the selves, was bartered, traded, and even sold on the black market. Out of nowhere, a shortage was born. Read more here.
Who knew how much it meant to us? We’ll never take our toiled paper for granted again!
Do you remember the story about kids and their Tide-Pod challenge and their licking ice cream and putting it back on the shelves. Now comes a challenge that is truly disgusting! A young man who proudly and vigorously licked public restroom toilet seats is now facing the consequences of his stupid and dangerous actions. Larz posted on Twitter that he has tested positive for the Carona-virus after licking a public toilet! YUK! These kids today are so very hard on themselves trying to determine that individual line between foolishness and courage.
I would venture the proposition that removing our species from Darwinian forces has resulted in a vast segment of the population that could not survive without the Nanny State. Now these “least fit” must be protected from themselves. They breed prodigiously. Mr. Darwin, please take care of this before the next election. Here is a video of Larz doing his thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgIw0izkCeo
And, from across the pond, at long last, the moment we have all been waiting for – the long coming coronation of Prince Charles. I was wondering if he would be passed over for his son, William; but the Chinese could wait no longer and did what the British have long hesitated doing. So where could all of this lead us? If the Queen and Chuck succumb to their Coronations, then William gets the throne, but he too may be carrying the Chinese Corona-virus… so then the Royal Scepter goes to Harry… but… if he drops out of the running, it’s Queen Meghan. The Queen has been waiting a long time for this to happen. Now she may be able to skip a generation. Hopefully it will stay in her bloodline.
Coronavirus, a known enemy having known consequences, has prompted the DNC to issue a directive that news-speak will no longer allow the word or concept of “hope” (unless it’s the hope that can’t be measured and is best contemplated during a Woodstock acid trip). Forgotten are the melodic sounds of our media boot-licking Obama’s hope and change message: A message that was about as intangible as the fourth estate’s objectiveness. With Obama now a mere memory, all that’s left is the occasional Obama Netflix appearance and Beyonce’s recollections of the White House Annual Scoffing of the Commoner Festival.
Three years into Trump’s first term, the world is introduced to Covid-19. Potentially the worst pandemic in our lifetime. Trump’s the-only-thing-we-have-to-fear-is-fear-itself hopeful bravado unleashes the media’s fury not seen since Carrie’s high school prom, only messier. Trump is making the media mad because he is taking his message directly to the American people, making it that much harder for the media to lie about that message.
The media must now unleash its greatest weapon, the headline. Daily, headlines come across our news feeds that grab only a fraction of our attention which is otherwise occupied with America’s Worst Cooks and Enhanced Housewives of Silicon Valley. That fraction, however, is enough to tattoo the underlying message to our subconscious.
With no expectation that their readership will actually read the article, the media feels free to message with the headline alone, as long as some of the words in the headline also appear in the accompanying article.
Here are a few headlines, followed by a more accurate description of the article’s text.
Hope-less From Vox on 3/24:
|“The Fox News moment that revealed a dangerously confused president”||Trump would love to see the country return to a more normal way of life.|
To be fair, the words “that” and “a” from Vox’s headline appear multiple times in the article.
Hope-less From Time Magazine on 3/24:
|“Arizona Man Dies After Taking Chemical in Coronavirus Treatment”||Arizona man dies after swallowing fish tank cleaner|
Time, a journalism magazine, didn’t even “journalism” to find out why he did that.
Hope-less From The New York Times on 3/23:
|“Trump has Given Unusual Leeway to Fauci, but Aides Say He’s Losing His Patience”||President Trump Listens to and gets along well with Dr. Fauci, says Dr. Fauci|
Finally, Abraham Zapruder’s 8mm film is no longer the most ever analyzed piece of video. A recorded Coronavirus Task Force briefing now has that distinction. The journalists at The Daily Mail reviewed this briefing to discover that Dr. Fauci may have smirked. Stop the presses, it’s investigative reportin’ time.
With the latest in electron microscopy, The Daily Mail was able to confirm a facial expression revealing apparent disdain, disregard, dislike and utter disappointment in the President from the distinguished doctor. Is it not possible he found the President’s levity amusing? Not according to the hope-less media.
Daily Mail’s 3/20 headline:
|“Dr. Anthony Fauci facepalms and rolls his eyes as President Trump rants about the ‘deep state’ during coronavirus press conference.”Subheadline“Coronavirus Task Force doctor Anthony Fauci appeared to roll his eyes and smirk at President Trump during a press conference Friday.”||We all need a little humor. Dr. Fauci smiles at a joke Trump tells during a Coronavirus task force meeting. A joke which was actually quite amusing.|
FDR was half right, the only thing we have to fear is the media itself.
In other political news, 2020 Democrat front-runner Joe Biden held a Coronavirus town hall with nurses, firefighters and emergency medical technicians. However, only 632 People Watch Sleepy Joe Biden’s Coronavirus Town Hall on YouTube. Joe Biden Told Jimmy Kimmel he wears his Phillie,s Cap as a “Way to be able to sleep with his wife.” With Kimmel and Biden’s help, I fell asleep instantly and I don’t even own a baseball cap! Thanks.
Feeling a little left out and craving for attention, Trump’s BF President Vladimir Putin donned a hazmat suit and respirator to launch his plan to rule the world as the “New Orange Man.” In declaring his new persona Putin said, “Due to Trump’s unexpected defeat of our massive disinformation campaign aided by the diligent but unsuccessful efforts of our allies, Speaker Pelosi, Representative Adam Schiff, Chuck Shumer, ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, NPR, NYT, WaPo, LaT, CNN, & MSNBC to convince Americans that he would be my ‘tool’ and despite Trump having kicked me in the teeth at every turn, I’ve now developed a brilliant new strategy to become the ‘New Orange Man’ able to single-handedly defeat the CCP-Caused Corona Virus and thereby become the new Ruler of the World.”
Coming soon to a state near you: Maybe even your state…
A friend from Salt Lake City reports: “I just have to announce my warm fuzzy feelings of security and contentment upon hearing the news that we may experience Marshall Law Lite here in the Greater People’s Republic of Utah. Indescribable joy! Of course, I believe the assurances that no additional stricter measures will be put in place and that under no circumstances will shoot to kill orders be issued for those criminals who dare to leave their domiciles. Why, who could possibly even think such thoughts to voice them? I’ll report to the rail yard once the lock-down directive has been lifted.”
Wisconsin Governor Evers Closes State, Promises Soup. Wisconsin Gov. Tony Evers signed the “Safer At Home” order after deciding that the outside world is just too dangerous for grown adults. A report from Red Badger that “dinner parties, sleepovers or play-dates” are all prohibited and all travel is forbidden unless fleeing from the state (or returning to the state). According to the order, only “essential activities” will be allowed. When asked for clarification on what constituted essential activities, Evers responded that “It’s not soup yet, otherwise I would tell you it is soup, but it will be close to being soup tomorrow.” We assume Evers will share his soup with the residents of Wisconsin in the coming days. Evers is expected to award himself “The Order of Friendship of Peoples” at a ceremony later today for demonstrating that he cares the most about “the peoples.”
Rhode Island Gov. Gina Raimondo signed an executive order on Thursday and announced that the Rhode Island State Police and National Guard will be enforcing mandatory quarantines on people who come to the state from New York. On Friday, police in the state began stopping people with New York license plates and are now conducting house-to-house searches to enforce the quarantine.
NY Gov. Cuomo threatened to take the RI Governor to court if she enforces the border
blockade arrests confiscation of passports signs requesting visitors to be kind to the natives and one another.
Dem vs. Dem – Should be a short battle.
What’s next? Will we be required to have a “Government Pass” to travel from one state to another?
Have you ever wondered what would happen if Steven Spielberg used his talents for the DNC?
It’s truly amazing the level of BS our nation’s elite will do in order to keep their grip on power. Cuomo was going to be wearing a MAGA hat but they removed it from the script because of a possible patent infringement. It looks like MSNBC and the DNC are positioning Cuomo to pick up now that Biden has disappeared. Apparently, shutting down his state is considered leadership. The more control the governor can capture during the onset phase of the pandemic, the more items in his bag of goodies to pass out to his friends and voters during the recovery phase. Classic political gamesmanship.
How about a good old-fashioned Lend-Lease program? They lend us some of their now-empty streets for use as rifle ranges, we lease them some ventilators!
And now, the Mother of All Headlines, the really, really, really big news of the past week…..
BREAKING: Democrats and Republicans agree to give you some of your money
WASHINGTON, DC: Members of Congress told reporters Friday they can’t wait to read through the massive economic stimulus package they passed in response to the Coronavirus crisis.
“As with other important legislation, we have to pass the bill to find out what is in it,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).“We closed down the economy over an irrational fear of a bad cold,” Pelosi said, “and that affected millions of people. The least we could do is throw you poor people we ruined a bone or two.”
Other lawmakers voiced similar sentiments, telling sources they were excited to learn about all the wonderful, economy-altering mandates contained in the bill they voted on and supported.
“We couldn’t waste time reading through the bill. We had to do something, Americans are hurting,” Senator Richard Burr (R-NC) told reporters, as he hung up the phone on his stockbroker after authorizing another lucrative stock trade.
At publishing time, members of Congress were lining up in front of network cameras to tell Americans how much they will benefit from the $2 trillion stimulus package to address economic issues, the largest such aid package in U.S. history (the bill they have yet to read).
Here’s what is reported to be in the stimulus bill:
Direct payments of $1,200 for single Americans, $2,400 for married couples, and $3,000 for those playing the field.
$32 billion to an airline industry that charged you for a blanket on your last flight.
Paywall taken off U.S. Unemployment Office website.
More protections than you’d think necessary to safeguard American people from their president.
Lot of money the government has spent decades telling Americans it didn’t have and couldn’t spend.
Probably something that sounds very good and turns out to be very bad.
Five dollars to Senator Ron Johnson for winning the betting pool that Rand Paul would get the virus first.
Every family will receive $500 per child, but officials may not come to collect the children until May.
Federal aid for independent contractors, such as Uber drivers and assassins.
A stern reminder that this is a one-time thing.
NOTE: Since passing the bill, Congress has decided they would place $1,200 into trust funds for each individual American until they have proved they’re actually responsible enough to handle it. “We’ve given this a lot of thought and decided that instead of mailing out checks, we will put this money into 330 million separate accounts that you’ll be able to access when you’re a little bit older and can show you’ve developed some real maturity,” Senate Finance Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley (R-IA) said. At press time, Grassley explained how multinational corporation Boeing could receive money from the federal government anytime it wanted because it had already won over lawmakers by generously spending so much money since its last bailout on donations to congressional campaigns.
ALERT: REALLY, REALLY ANNOYING FACTOID AHEAD ———-> While the rest of us were locked up in our houses learning how to make our own protective gear and stuffing our remaining cash inside a ragged sock which we can take with us when we start living under a bridge, the Congress and Senate decided to spend 2 trillion of OUR dollars on themselves.
That figure TRIPLES to $6,000,000,000,000.00 (6tril) when $4 trillion is added by the Fed & Treasury. That adds up to $17,000 of debt per citizen or $68,000 for a family of four. In other words, they are “giving” every taxpayer a digital check for $1,200 (our money) and we get to pay “them” back $17,000. That figures out to about 1,417% interest. The local loan shark only charges 100%, AND THAT”S HIS MONEY THAT HE LENDS. That might shed some light on the recent push to reign in payday-loans interest…. The government doesn’t like the competition.
According to taxfoundation.org, in their ”Summary of the Latest Federal Income Tax Data, 2018 Update”,
in 2016, 140.9 million taxpayers reported earning $10.2 trillion in
adjusted gross income and paid $1.4 trillion in individual income taxes.
So, multiply 140.9 million taxpayers times $1,200.00 for each, and
the total is $169,080,000,000. Subtract that from the $6tril stimulus,
and you have to wonder: WHERE THE HECK DOES THE REMAINING
$5,831,000,000,000.00 (trillion) go?
Oh…. go ahead… Take a wild guess
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has lashed out at Republicans because the $2 trillion corona-virus stimulus bill does not include direct payments to taxpayers without a Social Security number, including people living in the U.S. illegally.
Seriously, it’s like she becomes a kangaroo on meth and her eyes bug out so far she could be mistaken for Adam Schiff.
Cortez then called for the Beatles’ song ‘Get Back’ and the ‘White Album’ to be banned and the surviving two white guys of the group must pay reparations.
And finally, the Department of Homeland Security Feds Add Gun Companies to ‘Essential’ Business List’ and urges states to keep gun stores open.
Not long ago this would have been satire.
I think I’ll spend the rest of the day cleaning and oiling my arsenal. I want it to be in good shape when the authorities come for it.
Time to decide how many of your freedoms are you willing to lose.
Utah Standard News is deeply committed to restoring government oversight through non-partisan journalism. In order to provide top-quality news coverage and investigative work to your readers, our work is free for print with link and proper attribution. For instance: This article originally appeared on
Requests or Partnership Inquiries
We have a growing nationwide network. If you’re interested in learning more about our work or receiving regular content from our reporters please contact our Director of Communication and Media Outreach at email@example.com.
The author of each article published on this web site owns his or her own words. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the various authors and forum participants on this site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of Utah Standard News or official policies of the USN and may actually reflect positions that USN actively opposes. However, in this instance, this doed reflect our opinion.
The articles from our ‘Friends’ are under copyright and are published with permission. Any republishing of these articles is STRICTLY PROHIBITED without written consent from the original Publisher.
Any Utah Standard News original article republished in their entirety or mentioned within a news story must include the reporter’s name and “From http://utahstandardnews.com/.” For example, “By Sandy Smith | From http://utahstandardnews.com/”
Special thanks to all that contributed to this article. You know who you are.
Utah Standard News depends on the support of readers like you.
Good Journalism requires time, expertise, passion and money. We know you appreciate the coverage here. Please help us to continue as an alternative news website by becoming a subscriber or making a donation. To learn more about our subscription options or make a donation, click here.
To Advertise on UtahStandardNews.com, please contact us at: firstname.lastname@example.org.