Progressive Beauty Tips Include ‘Non-Gender Beards’

U.S.—A new beauty shop in New York is offering facial follicle facilitation for progressively-minded individuals born with “female” bodies. Karen Dunham of Brooklyn was interviewed outside New York’s recently-opened gender-neutral clothing outlet “The Phluid Project”, where she is trying to get her new female beard formula to catch on:

“We’re tired of being beardless in Bolivia,” said Karen with non-sensical alliteration, “…beards are a patriarchal sign of oppression. Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have a beard.”

Holding up a “Non-Gender Beard Kit”, Karen then demonstrated how a hair-loss gel in connection with hormone therapy administered rectally could initiate facial follicle growth. The formula appears to work swiftly. After applying the gel and bending at the waist to insert the hormone solution, Karen’s eyes widen, her nostrils flare, and hair sprouts on her cheeks like patchy grass breaking through the sand on a desert plane.

“A beard should only be for a face,” Karen continues, “And it should be for any face that wants one. Our Non-Gender Beard Kit isn’t just for those born biologically female, either. Those born biologically male who enjoy soy can experience the facial hair they’ve always wanted as well.”

At the time of this writing, Karen has a patchy beard that looks better than that of biological males in many equatorial regions, and would be right at home in a group of avid D&D enthusiasts rolling dice in a basement.

When asked whether biologically-born females who grow facial hair naturally would find this offensive, Karen responded: “When I learned about Marxism, I learned that gender is a tool of the oppressor. A biological woman who thinks growing hair on her face is bad doesn’t understand freedom.” As the interview drew to a close, Karen added she is: “…single, and ready to mingle.”