Editor’s Note: Stilton Jarlsberg has graciously give USN permission to republish his work. We are honored. Thank you Stilton

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

You’ve Got TPP On Your Shoe

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While visiting Vietnam, Barack Obama took a short break from tourist activities, like posing for photos in front of the Hanoi Hilton and grinning while seated at an anti-aircraft gun, to give an impassioned speech promoting his Trans Pacific Partnership (TPP) trade deal which would reduce or remove tariffs on Vietnamese-made goods like shoes when imported to America.

In this way, the president can help make sure that there will be plenty of inexpensive footwear available to Americans who are out of work because their manufacturing jobs have been exported to a communist country where people are willing to work for fish heads, rice, and (if they’ve read the president’s autobiography) the occasional delectable piece of dog.

Mr. Obama went further towards (ahem) normalizing relations with Vietnam by ending a 50-year embargo on arms sales to the country- news which may well kill off any Vietnam veterans who have managed to survive the president’s criminally inept VA Department.

China warns that the president’s decision to sell weapons to Vietnam increases the likelihood of severe military repercussions. But at least it’s good to know that when we all need to run for our lives, we’ll have cheap shoes in which to do so.

BONUS: FOSTERING RUMORS

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Well played, sir. Well played.

Hope n’ Change hasn’t fallen in love with Donald Trump yet, but we’ve got to give him style points for his most recent “non-attack” attack on Hillary Clinton.

Specifically, he mentioned the old (and not altogether unbelievable) allegations surrounding the highly mysterious death of Clinton White House aide and legal counsel Vince Foster, calling the details “very fishy.” He then demonstrated his idea of taking the “high road” on such intrigues…

“I don’t bring [Foster’s death] up because I don’t know enough to really discuss it,” Trump admitted, “I will say there are people who continue to bring it up because they think it was absolutely a murder. I don’t do that because I don’t think it’s fair.”

We appreciate The Donald’s principled approach to running a nice, clean campaign and look forward to him “not mentioning” the many other scandals and accusations associated with the Clintons in the near future.

After all, we need a dirty mud-slinging presidential campaign like Ron Brown needs a hole in the head. Well, another hole in his head.