WASHINGTON, D.C. – After discovering no evidence of collusion between President Trump and Russia to influence the 2016 presidential election, and after accidentally uncovering evidence incriminating the Clinton campaign, FBI Director Robert Mueller directed his attention to Ukraine.
Ukraine ignoring Mueller’s demands for fabricated dossiers is “…in my mind the strongest evidence yet” of Trump-Ukrainian collusion to influence the last election, according to Mueller.
With the Ukrainians stonewalling and the Russian well having run dry, Mueller has turned his attention to possible ties between the Trump Campaign and the Ottoman Empire.
“I am leaving no stone unturned,” said Mueller at a press conference this afternoon. “We know there was collusion because it’s widely reported in the media. If it wasn’t Russia, and if it isn’t Ukraine, then it has to be somebody. Today I have issued a subpoena to Grand Sultan Mehmed VI to testify before a grand jury about what he knew and when he knew it.”
When a member of the press corps did a quick Google search and informed Mueller that Mehmed VI has been dead for over 90 years, Mueller replied that this new finding was “suspicious and deeply troubling,” but that he was going to use every means at his disposal to coerce the Ottomans to cooperate.
In the meantime, the NYT has run a headline story, Did Trump Stay at Turkish Bath in Ankara? MSNBC is airing a special report, Trump and Mehmed – A Misogynist Connection? CNN has released a poll finding that 86% of those responding say they feel like “something is going on” between Trump and the Ottomans.
“But rest assured,” said Mueller, “we’re not stopping there. Our Assyrian Bureau is investigating the stele of Sennacherib and our Vatican office has subpoenaed Leonardo da Vinci’s notebook. We know the smoking gun is out there, it’s just a matter of time before we find it.”
In other news, Mueller’s newest book, A Much Higher Loyalty is due to be released this week and is hoped to sell more copies than his last book.
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