By Eileen L. Wittig  / Thursday, December 01, 2016 / at FEE

Unless you’re spending the holidays like Scrooge pre-epiphany – by yourself – you are about to face one of the most danger-ridden social situations of the year: the Time of Personal Questions. (Quick, someone write a Dickensian fanfic on Tumblr about Scrooge where his real reason for being so Scroogey is that he doesn’t want to face personal questions.)

This is the Time of Personal Questions, complete with complimentary uninvited advice.If you’re single, you’re going to be asked if you’ve met anyone, or just straight up why you’re still single. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’re going to be asked when you’re getting married. If you’re engaged or married, you’re going to be asked when you’re having kids. If you have kids, you’re going to be asked when you’re having more, or if you’re done. All of these questions come with complimentary uninvited advice.

There is no true escape from the personal questions until you yourself are old enough to start asking the young whippersnappers those very same questions. Even if someone in the room recently had some sort of Life Event happen, the questions will be merely delayed. You can only talk about one person’s Life Event for so long, and there are only so many young people around.

Thankfully, in the meantime, there are several ways to avoid, or at least put off, the inevitable questions:

First Line of Defense: Keep a constant stream of food and drink in your mouth. (I recommend chocolate eggnog, which is proof that the free market is necessary for the pursuit of happiness. Get you some.) No one will think this is odd because it’s a holiday necessity anyway. Everyone knows that if you don’t gain at least five pounds in the 48 hours encompassing your particular holiday, you’re doing it wrong.

If someone comments on the fact that you seem to be feasting rather a lot, use the above excuse and then show them an app like Big Oven you found recently which finds recipes based on the very few, very random things you have left in your house, and Vivino, which is basically a sommelier in your pocket. And then show them your dessert board on Pinterest and let that segway into pins of cute kittens and Gifs of funny dogs.

Warning: do not let any pictures of couples and/or babies be seen, or you’ll ruin the whole thing.

Second Line of Defense: Recruita partner. Whether it’s a sibling who’s in the same predicament you are, a cousin who’s basically your best friend, or a parent/aunt/uncle who’s miraculously chill and does not ask you personal questions themselves, come up with a battle plan before venturing into the fray and relax in the knowledge that someone has your back…. READ MORE HERE