WASHINGTON, DC – This morning a protest was held on the steps of the Capitol, voicing disapproval of the fact that hate crimes against minorities, women, and homosexuals are so rare as to be nonexistent. The largely peaceful demonstration went on for several hours and dispersed after nobody paid much attention to them.

“This is a really traumatizing event for me,” said one male participant who asked only to be identified as a woman. “My entire life, my identity, my very being is built around me being a member of a downtrodden and oppressed minority. If I’m not oppressed and downtrodden, then what am I? Nothing.”

Another woman participant, who asked only to be identified as an eighty-six-year-old male Hispanic preschooler, broke down crying. She wanted to know how she could pay off her student debt, which is currently sitting at around $106,000 for getting a degree in Transgender Studies. “I had my whole life planned out,” she said between sobs. “I thought I’d sue some corporation for millions for not offering me a job – or if it gave me a job, I’d sue for discrimination. But every time I tried, my cases got thrown out of court for lack of evidence.”

Many had to be removed to their designated safe spaces to cope, with some staying there for up to three hours trying to come to terms with the fact that most Americans simply didn’t care that the protesters thought they were special.

Others decided to take a more proactive stance. “We can’t let this culture of indifference stop us,” said an older Caucasian woman, who identifies as a young black male of the Black Lives Matter movement. “If average Americans aren’t going to commit hate crimes against us, then we have to commit the crimes against us ourselves and then use that in our campaign to make Americans care!”

She then proceeded to cite several instances of hoaxes used to further their cause. When someone pointed out that all of those hoaxes were proven to be just that, she scoffed: “Well of course! The investigations themselves serve as proof that discrimination and phobias are rampant among Americans.”

In the course of the demonstration, the protesters accosted several perplexed pedestrians, demanding to know why these passersby hated them so much. They were further confused by the purported lack of hatred towards them; the most common answer being, “Who are these people and why should I care what they think they are?”