Capitalism is where the kid who worked the hardest on his costume gets the most candy.

Crony Capitalism is where the kid pays off the guy with the bowl to give him the most candy.

American Capitalism is where the kid tries earnestly to get some candy, but kids from other towns who are willing to get less candy take all the candy he should’ve gotten.

Monarchism is where the guy with the bowl gets all the candy, but may or may not give some out to the kids who make the candy.

Communism is where both the guy with the bowl and the kids are equal, call each-other comrades, and get an equal amount of candy, but the amount is tiny, the candy is stale (or moldy) and the chocolate gives you the runs.

Russian Communism is where the guy with the bowl gets fine European chocolate in unlimited quantities, but the kids have to all share expired Hershey bars from 1945 that are hidden in the attic from the guy with the bowl or chocolate bars that are nothing but cocoa, powdered milk, and sawdust compressed into a block. However, the kids can get some European chocolate with a little bit of blat.

Chinese Communism is like Russian Communism, but if the kids don’t worship the guy with the bowl they’re shot or shamed. Also, no blat.

North Korean Communism is like Chinese Communism, except there’s no candy and no shame.

South American Communism is like Russian Communism, except in the jungle and the kids find ways around the guy with the bowl that don’t use blat. The kids can also sneak out of the neighborhood more successfully than in Russian Communism.

American Communism is where the kids try to convince the guy with the bowl that their communism is different from all the others, but the guy with the bowl knows they’re full of shit and tells them to take a hike.

Socialism is where the government controls how much candy the guy with the bowl is allowed to give out.

Feudalism is where the kids all live with and make candy for the guy with the bowl and in exchange the guy with the bowl allows them to keep living with him and periodically gives them a small fraction of the candy they made for him.

Fascism is where the guy with the bowl takes all the kids’ candy and then sells it back to them. The kids get no choice of candy and the guy with the bowl follows them around the entire night taking their candy.

Democracy is where all the kids vote on how much candy and of which type they will get, and the guy with the bowl is forced to comply with the vote.

American Democracy is where all the kids vote for older kids who then vote for the candy whose company is giving them the most money. There is so much gridlock that a decision cannot be made. The guy with the bowl gets money from even more candy companies, but he has to forcibly give out candy to other neighborhoods of kids that already have it or don’t want it in exchange for the money. This pisses the other kids off in the process. He uses their anger to justify expansion of his candy-giving activities.

European Democracy is where the kids from all the towns get together and vote on how much candy they want, but the guy with the bowl is the one who actually makes the decisions.

Republicanism is where the guy with the bowl and the kids cooperate, write a constitution based on informed, rational opinions and thoughts on what kind and amount of candy is good for society, deliberate on this constitution, and when all the kids agree on the constitution, it is ratified. The kids exercise their constitutional rights and get the candy from the guy with the bowl that the constitution says they have a right to.

(This is based mostly on classical republicanism, constiutionalism, and the phrase “res publica”. It’s surprisingly difficult to find a clear-cut definition of Republicanism so I tried the best I could.)

Anarchism is where the kids and the guy with the bowl are technically equal, but if the kids want more and the guy with the bowl won’t give it to him, the kids shoot the guy with the bowl and then fight for the candy, even shooting other kids if they want. If the guy with the bowl lives, or if the kids get him mad for any reason, he shoots the kids. The cops aren’t called because there are none.

Collectivism is where the kids and the guy with the bowl band together into a collective. They all agree on how much and what kind of candy everybody gets. If somebody doesn’t agree they’re put through a show trial and shot.

Nazism is where the guy with the bowl only gives out white chocolate, invades kids’ candy buckets to take out the milk, dark, and kosher chocolate, and tosses the plundered chocolate into his oven.

This article is republished with permission from our friend Oleg Atbashian at The People’s Cube.