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Friday, January 18, 2019

Free Association Friday

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Today we introduce a special feature called “Free Association Friday,” in which we comment on whatever the heck is tumbling around inside our noggin. This will provide us the opportunity to examine stories which may not be in the mainstream, as well as to fill space on slow news days without resorting to posting bikini babes twice within a week.

• In looking at the BRIGHT RED HEADLINES on Drudge asking “Did Trump Bribe Drudge Poll?” we find ourselves shaking our heads for the umpteenth time about what passes for news these days. In the story, sleazeball attorney Michael Cohen is accused of paying a firm to skew the results of a CNBC poll and a Drudge poll to make Trump look better- but the firm wasn’t able to do it, and Cohen subsequently gave the PR flacks only a small amount of the money they were promised, plus (inexplicably) a boxing glove.

As nearly as we can tell, no one was “bribed,” the polls weren’t swayed, and who the Hell cares about (or believes in) the accuracy of online polls anyway? Besides being an entirely non-criminal act, it’s also unforgivably boring.

• We are currently reviewing an updated version of our Last Will and Testament, and it’s even less fun than doing taxes. The legal language is just as convoluted and baffling, plus every sentence is describing some horrible scenario we’d rather not think about. “In the event that you have died horribly and your rotting corpse is being nibbled on by maggots and your spouse has descended into drooling incompetency with a life consisting of alternately screaming and having spectacular bathroom accidents, how many years should your drug-dependent descendant be deemed “clean” by a certified drug rehab program before receiving any of the money you were too dumb to enjoy before kicking the bucket?”

Even worse, it’s important to only review important legal documents while cold sober. Not that we believe Nancy Pelosi ever has.

• We are trying to make peace with our recently purchased “Smart TV,” but it’s an uphill battle. Because in our experience, “smart” devices seem intentionally designed to make us feel dumb. The 55″ 4K television has an astoundingly sharp picture, fully capable of making epic films look like they’re being played out on live security cameras. The sound is about what you’d expect from one-inch, bottom-firing speakers (or tin cans connected with a string), but you can easily upgrade the audio by adding an expensive sound bar which plays everything slightly out of synch, making an old episode of The Office seem like a poorly dubbed Godzilla movie. The Smart TV also has buttons which take you to hundreds of Internet channels which apparently originate in The Twilight Zone. Seriously, what the heck is this stuff, where is it coming from, and how can we make it go away?!

In our aforementioned Will, we plan to leave this TV to someone we don’t like.

• In the Jarlsberg household, debate rages about whether it’s more relaxing to watch cysts being drained on Youtube (yes, we subscribe to the Dr. Pimple Popper channel), or savoring some good ingrown toenail surgery (we also subscribe to the Toe Bro channel). In complete honesty, we find both to be relaxing (especially just before bed, viewed in our Oculus Go VR goggles) and less disgusting than the average news broadcast. Warning: the links above are real, and the one with the cyst should not be clicked while having any sort of gravy-based meal.

• And finally, we think it’s freaking hilarious that President Trump cancelled Nancy Pelosi’s overseas jaunt on a military aircraft at the last minute as an act of transparent payback for her attempts to force him to cancel the upcoming State of the Union address. What his move lacks in class, it more than makes up for in style points!

Posted byStilton Jarlsbergat12:05 AM