Doomsday Clock Pushed To One Minute To Midnight After Arby’s Threatens Launch Of 3-Cheese Jalapeño Beef ’N Bacon Melt
CHICAGO—Reacting to the fast-food chain’s increasingly alarming marketing language Tuesday, the Science and Security Board of the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists set the global Doomsday Clock to 11:59 p.m. following Arby’s threats to launch a 3-Cheese Jalapeño Beef ’N Bacon Melt. “As Arby’s’ claims of possessing an experimental new specialty sandwich have become more and more credible, we have concluded that the world is closer than it’s ever been to a cataclysmic event that could destroy the lives of millions,” said the board’s executive director, Rachel Bronson, reiterating that Arby’s had already performed tests and received positive reactions from focus groups, many of whom said it was “very likely” they would try the sandwich in the future.
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Sure is empty down here...