By Ed – 7/25/2016

The Good, Bad & Ugly

Thanks to our friend Stilton Jarlsberg at Hope n’Change  for this introduction:

Hurry, hurry – step right up! The big DNC Freak Show is about to begin! For four days and four days only, you’ll see human oddities, nature’s mistakes, and performers who mystify, terrify, and refuse to testify! They’re all alive and all inside! (Don’t push, kid, there’s room for everyone!)

For the price of one small vote (additional donations happily accepted, foreign currency welcome), you’ll see the entire cavalcade of curiosities waiting for you just inside the heavily-guarded doors of the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia!

 SEE: The Human Pincushion, Bernie Sanders, as he is jabbed and needled repeatedly by supposedly impartial members of the DNC!

SEE: The Bearded Lady, Michelle Obama, who has been her husband’s beard for decades!

SEE: The Tattooed Woman, Lena Dunham, who will delight you with her tales of false rape accusations and true descriptions of sexually violating her baby sister!

SEE: The Human Skeleton, Bill “End-stage Syphilis” Clinton!

SEE: The Amazing Sword Swallower, (We don’t know her name because she just ducked into a back room with Bill Clinton.)

SEE: The Brainless Woman who votes with her private parts!

But wait! That’s only the beginning of the amazing marvels waiting to transport you into a four year progressive wonderland of terrors and delights!

SEE: Snail Boy, Barack Obama, as he presides over the slowest economic recovery in history and struggles to get out the words “radical Islamic terror!”

SEE: The mother of Gentle Giant Michael Brown,
who shares the story of the gargantuan attempted cop-killer who transformed into a liberal martyr right before our eyes!

SEE: The Pickled Punks
Is there really one born every minute? Not anymore, thanks to your tax dollars! Planned Parenthood’s Cecile Richards presents the Kermit Gosnell collection of babies in brine, feet in formaldehyde, and juveniles in jars!

SEE: Magistrate The Magician
A conjurist in black robes who will take Antonin Scalia’s seat and make Constitutional amendments vanish!

SEE: The Unwilling Fire Eater, Ambassador Chris Stevens! (Please, no video recording!)

SEE: The star of the show, Serpentina the Snake Woman, Hillary Clinton, as she slithers out of one scandal after another!

Mothers bring your daughters! Fathers bring your sons! You’ll be stunned! You’ll be shocked! Your world will be rocked! So hurry, hurry, hurry! See the land of the freaks and the home of the brazen! The big show is starting NOW!

Mothers bring your daughters! Fathers bring your sons! You’ll be stunned! You’ll be shocked! Your world will be rocked! So hurry, hurry, hurry! See the land of the freaks and the home of the brazen! The big show is starting NOW!

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Stay Tuned for Tuesday’s News Dump – One Philly, Hold the Cheese Please