From The People’s Cube

The Democrats’ recent historic, storied, epic, heroic, and romantically glorious sit-in on the House floor has inspired me to ponder what I can do to get noticed, become a social media darling, and engage in a little fundraising for my foundation that does so much to help the oppressed and less fortunate by drawing other people’s attention to their plight.

Eight years ago, I perched on a high-rise ledge to raise awareness of how much I cared about something. I spent 62 days on that ledge, during which time I raised the awareness, started a national dialogue among everyone who agreed with the need to raise that awareness, and collected a lot of free stuff to make my perch-in a great deal less the hardship it appeared to be to low information masses.

Until Day 62, when Zampolit Blokhayev, who’d obviously been radicalized by the hateful rhetoric of Republicans and the NRA, somehow managed to get his hands on a semi-automatic deadly-assault lock-and-loading self-shooting rapid-fire multi-ammo high-powered head-blowing maximum-destructive super-fatal trigger-happy bloodthirsty machine gun.

He readied it, aimed it, and then fired it at me. I was struck with a glancing blow that knocked me off the ledge. I plummeted toward certain death on the street below with no hope of my fall being broken, except by rubbernecked gawkers who all turned and fled for their pathetic lives once they realized that wasn’t a cloud sliding over the sun, but the shadow of my body about to drop on them with a horrific splat.

As I cursed Republicans and the NRA for murdering me in cold blood and screamed for the Government to save me (since we all know thoughts and prayers never work), my red headscarf suddenly snagged itself on a horizontal flag pole, and I found myself wrapped up—yes, comrades, wrapped!—in the (choke) American flag!

That was eight years ago, comrades. And eight years later, Republicans continue to brazenly arm total nutjobs like Zampolit Blokhayev with illegal, death-causing weapons of immoral war. Their hate speech continues to radicalize his otherwise moderate and peace-loving way of thinking, thus impelling him to shoot innocent Cube treasures like me from high-rise ledges where all I’m trying to do is my own small part to change the world and make a difference by calling everyone’s attention to how much I care.

So this time, instead of perching on the ledge, I am taking my shovel and digging a hole for gun control. Quite aside from the fact that it cleverly rhymes, it should also make me less of a target, especially since I plan to post a sign at the edge of the hole designating it a Gun Free Zone. As long as the cameras keep rolling, I am going to keep digging and digging my hole for gun control. While the media is away filing their stories or lunching at Olive Garden, I am going to sit at the bottom of the hole and relax with all the free stuff I fully expect will be donated to me by those who also care.

And while I’m sitting in the hole, I will be hoping that Congress gets off its butt to repeal the Second Amendment, so I can get off my own and catch the next Progressive bandwagon that rolls by—assuming, of course, that it doesn’t roll over into the hole and crush me. Maybe we should add an orange pylon to the Gun Free Zone sign. Or maybe one of you can dig another hole to raise awareness of our crumbling infrastructure that invariably causes Progressive bandwagons to disappear into seemingly bottomless holes, never to be seen again. Or maybe I’m just confusing those bandwagons with the tax dollars that fund them.

In the meantime, comrades, I need your help. In addition to free stuff, I want a phone call from President Obama to congratulate me on my immense courage and boundless sacrifice. I want to see the usual awareness ribbons, wristbands, and selfies of you holding up pieces of paper with hashtags, like #diggingaholeforguncontrol or #stopbandwagonrollovers or #gimmefreestuff.

Join me in my latest Glorious Cause! Grab a shovel! Together we will dig our way to glory, and I promise you, comrades, it won’t be long before we will answer the question that right wing naysayers are sure to ask:

WHO CARES?

This article is republished with permission from our friend Oleg Atbashian at The People’s Cube.