De-criminalize Medical Manure

       Our grand daughter wanted a pet, one small enough to live inside their house, and small enough to live economically. Living economically means bringing in enough food, lettuce, alfalfa hay, water, so it was not a burden on her or her parents. They selected a rabbit, whose name is Millie, and we call it the grandbunny, and sometimes the grandrabbit. This was great. We learned some things about the care of bunnies. Did you know they eat their own manure? The manure looks like and is about the size, of little brown M&M peanut candy.   That’s correct, they recycle the undigested hay or grass and eat it up again. We don’t throw it out.

That got me to thinking. We should de-criminalize medical manure. Medical manure is comforting. It is needed especially for those on hospice, such as terminal cancer patients. When all hope has been lost, medical manure helps alleviate the pain. We know that plants eat manure, by absorbing the manure through their roots. Farmers regularly distribute manure in their fields, where they raise their wheat, rice, corn, barley, alfalfa hay, which has reprocessed the manure in the field.

Manure has been around a long time. It is even Biblical! The Bible discusses eating manure, which was translated as dung. Catch 2 Kings Chapter 6. 25 And there was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass’s head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove’s dung for five pieces of silver. [ This famine was due to the Syrian army surrounding Samaria and besieging it – preventing passage of food or trade.]

Medical Manure is ideal for home industry. Who doesn’t have a pioneer ancestor that walked beside the wagon train or handcart company looking for cow pies to burn for heat? If you don’t have access to a prairie pie, what can you do? If live in a big city, such as New York City, note how the horses pulling the coaches have little posterior baggies catching the manure before it hits the asphalt. Catch the Budweiser Clydesdales who have those stylish buckets. And the pouches for the mounted police in Central Park. This is valuable medicine which is otherwise cast off as refuse. Save the manure and make it available to the sick and those otherwise racked with pain.

Manure has many chemicals, all that are found in wheat, corn, oats, hay or anything the manure producers consume.   Manure can be burned like incense, or smoked like cigarettes, or in pipes, with far fewer dangerous side effects than tobacco. I assume tobacco also processes manure like other plants. Plants convert manure, or protein into plant protein, then other animals consume the plant protein and convert into animal protein.   The ultimate consumer in the food chain is man, and man then converts animal protein to human protein, nourishment, and good health. If manure is good for plants, it is good for man.

Manure doesn’t have any psychological side effects, nor has it ever been shown to be addictive, as compared to cannabis, and grapevine. Manure consumers can take it or leave it. Like Mark Twains comment ‘Quitting smoking is easy, I’ve done it a thousand times.’ It can be mixed in with other foods, such as manure brownies, or manure chocolate chip cookies, and conceivably manure chocolate ice cream. Manure has the tendency to take the taste of the other ingredients around it. You’ve heard this tastes like manure smells. That’s how we know about taste.

Manure is an ideal food for vegetarians. Much like soy burgers, you can have manure burgers, or manure clubs, or manure subs.  You can also mix it with gum or honey and chew it. And manure is much safer than smokeless tobacco, or chew ‘Baca. The Surgeon Generals warning for Chewing manure would read something like ‘Studies have shown nothing about manure.’

Did you know the Sheriff or police can confiscate any property wherein is found possession of illegal drugs? This is how the government confiscates apartments, houses, airplanes, cars, boats, jewelry, cash, and anything of value. If you doubt, search for drug and seized assets. No need for a trial, it is gone into the general treasury, to be auctioned off at some future date.

Recreational manure also has a market. Forget the exotic lure of forbidden marijuana. Internet ads hype a $20 billion annual market in the 29 states for legalized marijuana which is a DEA schedule One drug. OK, how about manure? There are no states which have passed laws to legalize medical manure. How exotic is that? Manure has to be at or near the top of forbidden or loathsome or annoying substances, but it is not toxic. Safer than marijuana, cocaine, heroin, or other DEA schedule Ones. More exotic too. Left out of the Word of Wisdom, the Koran, there are no religious prohibitions. The Bible approved in Kings so it must be Kosher for Christian and Jews. Manure can be the ultimate party drug, replacing alcohol, snuff, dip, pot, weed, spirits, reds, blues, pinks, whatever. Recreational and not toxic. You are safer with manure than all those things with Surgeon General warnings.

Someday there will be movies about medical manure and recreational manure. Names such as Manure (renamed from the 1936 MJ), or Manure Madness (replace Reefer 1936, 2005), Manure Gold (from Acapulco 1978), the Manure Age (from Stoned 1994), Manure Water (from Bong 1997), HomeDropped (from Grown 1998),   Dung (from Grass 1999),   Manure Crop (from Cash 2001), How Dry (from High 2001), Kid Poop (from Cannabis 2014), Hansel & Gretel Get Smelly (from Baked 2013),   Piles of Dung (from Leaves of grass 2009), Poop Poop Pass (from Puff 2006).   There will be songs praising manure, and happy times to come. Broadway shows. Poems. Programs. Manure is ground floor entertainment.

Doctors can run studies selling manure to consumers who sign up for the study. Studies are done for hemp in Utah, with no records, just sales. No need to have placebos, nor keep track of adverse effects, nor addiction, nor interference with other medicines. No worry about chewing manure if pregnant, manure is totally natural. Using manure will increase life expectancy, lower blood pressure, cure glaucoma, you name it, and manure can claim it. Look what others say. ‘ I’ve smelled like manure and every day is great.’

Manure is natural, that’s another best part. Manure is as safe as oatmeal or rice. Manure could be dried and packaged. Manure can be pasteurized like milk. Manure is cheap, which should be attractive to the poor.  Initiative petitions can be circulated to gather signatures of voters to get the manure matter on the ballot. Be it resolved by the people of Utah that collection, use and sale of manure as a medicine is sanctioned and subject to taxation. The taxes on manure can be used for educational purposes, educational scholarships, teachers’ salaries, and school supplies. Legalizing whatever for education taxes always works for elections.

Like money, manure is best when it is spread around. Think of the slogans. Manure magic, Manure marvelous, manure magnificence, manure money, manure mystic, manure mystery. Think of all the synonyms already known and waiting to be trade marked, poop, dung, fecal, cow pie, excrement, guano, muck, horse pucky, and more. De criminalize medical manure. The time is now.

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© Edmunds Tucker.