Satire – 12/25/2020 – This article is republished with permission from our friend Oleg Atbashian at The People’s Cube.
How did the ancient mass media report the alleged birth of Christ? The following compilation of quotes from the Roman and Judean sources should help you form an unbiased opinion about what really happened…
© 2007 The People’s Cube, Directorate of Historical Revisionism, Karl Marx Treatment Center.
Another Consumer of Nature’s Resources Born in Bethlehem
An international scientific consensus has been reached, and it’s not in Mary and Joseph’s favor. Had the parents of Jesus been more proactive in raising their awareness, they may have considered such important factors as Judea’s fragile environment and air pollution that only increases with every newborn child. No matter how amusing a set of small carbon footprints around the house may seem initially, potential parents should always remember that the footprints will only become bigger as the child matures and turns into yet another indulgent consumer of nature’s limited resources.
Quote:The Daily Pharisee
Scrutiny Tightens On Three Magoi’s Lobbying Operation
BETHLEHEM, December 28 – House Ethics Committee Chair Stephanie Tubbs Jones (D-Judea) urges congressional ethics probe into gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh by three Magoi – who are the focus of criminal investigations by the Justice Department.
The ethics panel said in a statement that a special subcommittee would try to determine if two Nazoreans violated the law by accepting “gifts, travel benefits, contributions to religious committees and organizations, or any other items of value” from the three Magoi and their lobbying operation.
The Nazoreans who were identified by name as the focus of the committee’s investigations – Joseph and Mary – have said they are innocent of wrongdoing.
Quote:Samara Post Intelligencer
Suspected Religious Cultists Exposed in Bethlehem
A homeless couple claiming that an “angel” had declared their infant child “the son of God,” was caught red-handed while apparently trying to engage in some ritual involving animals behind a local inn. Despite his young age, the unplanned and undocumented child whom they referred to as “Jesus” had already acquired notoriety in the religious underworld, operating under several aliases including Immanuel, Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, and The Prince of Peace. Authorities are investigating a possible link to the highly profitable smuggling of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
The police arrived at the scene after a call made by a local PETA activist who complained that the couple and the mob that followed them had inconvenienced the resident animals and “displaced handfuls of hay” in order to make a bed for the infant. “What sort of people are these that would invade a peaceful manger, disturb the animals in their home, deprive them of sleep of nourishment, and do YHWH knows what else with them?”
Prosecutors are considering charging the couple as accessories to an unauthorized light show that terrorized area shepherds who happened to be tending their flocks at night. No charges are currently being considered against the infant, though authorities have made clear that he will require careful observation and possibly therapy as he grows up.
Quote:The Nazareth Post (Lifestyle Section)
Mary: A Pregnant Teen Failed By The Government
Despite the homeschooling, the abstinence-only education, and her determination to save herself for that special someone, Mary Davidian, 15, still found herself pregnant. Neither her former resolve to remain chaste, not the fact that she was known by all and sundry as “The Virgin Mary,” prevented her from becoming yet another statistic in the growing problem of unwed teen mothers throughout the Roman Empire, particularly in poorer provinces like Judea.
Mary’s been betrothed for some time to Joseph Nazareth, 18, who operates a struggling lumber fabrication business out of his own home. But Joseph – and Mary, too – both agree he’s not the father.
When asked about the father’s identity, Mary raves incoherently about angels and dreams, and someone whom she can only identify as God, a likely gang-related alias.
“We don’t know who this God is, his age, if perhaps he’s so much older than young Mary that he might be guilty of statutory rape,” said a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood of Nazareth. “Notwithstanding, the fact that Mary conceived even though she’s still a virgin is all the proof anyone needs, that teaching abstinence to our children is totally unrealistic and ineffective. Can’t the right-winged religious extremists see that even when they remain virgins, young people are still going to go out and have sex?”
Quote:Rome News and World Report
Senate Ratings At All-Time Low As Occupation of Judea Continues
ROME (Associated Papyrus) The Senate voted today to continue the funding of legions in the Middle East under the threat of a dictatorial veto if they passed a bill that would have denied the funds. The move further alienated the Senate’s base, which vented its anger with posts on The Daily Stylus.
“We voted to put them in office with the promise that they’d bring the legions home before Saturnalia. Well, it’s Saturnalia and they’re not home. I’m never voting again!” wrote Alvamus Goldscroll, an unemployed lyre player from Woodaquaduct. “I’m so angry, I’m getting a mallet. Stop the illegal occupation of Judea!”
JUST THE HEADLINES:
- Birth in manger reveals looming crisis in housing, transportation
- Salvation disproportionately benefits the rich, makes the poor even poorer
- Baby Jesus had no medical insurance: another young family failed by the government
- Uninsured parents forced to give birth in back alleys and mangers
- Baby Jesus in state custody
- Social workers declare Mary, Joseph unfit parents: time for the State to step in
- Where’s the baby’s biological father?
- Social Worker threatened with damnation for suggesting God might be the ultimate deadbeat parent: “I don’t want to go to hell!”
- Planned Parenthood’s success story: Herod administration implements ultra-late-term, post birth (up to 2 yrs, or 8th trimester) abortion regimen
- “Savior” born to a transient couple: more proof that anyone can become homeless
- Undocumented shepherds: “We herd sheep Jews won’t herd”
- Immaculate Conception Syndrome: A troubling trend among low-income mothers. What should the government do about it?
- Study finds 47% of all inner city women claimed Immaculate Conception at one time or another
- State funds research to prevent new cases of ICS
- “Savior’s” birth triggers calls for more roman troops in Judea. The legions are stretched too thin.
- Galilee orator Rux Limbo under fire for calling Bethlehem Census “a big government sham to get at more of your shekels”
- Who Killed the Dead Sea? Environmental group points fingers
This issue was brought to you by collective effort from the following comrades:
Commissarka Pinkie, Laika the Space Dog, General Secretary, Mikhail T. Kalashnikov, Commissar Pupovich, Dr. W. S. Palimpsest.
Merry Winter Solstice to all Party members!
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