Captain Crunch nominated as Secretary of Scrumptiousness
WASHINGTON — President-elect Donald Trump said Saturday he had chosen retired Navy Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch to be secretary of scrumptiousness.
“We are going to appoint the Cap’n,” Trump told a small group of reporters outside of his Trump Tower residence. “He’s remarkable. Truly the best possible pick for secretary of scrumptiousness.”
Crunch, who currently captains a ship called the Guppy amid the Crunch Island archipelago in the Sea of Milk, has made his opinion on morning breakfast cereal and other snack foods very well known — namely that Washington lacks a cohesive strategy for the deployment and distribution of said foodstuffs.
“Washington is too happy to leave this task to the private industry, when it could be better handled with a bit of central authority,” Crunch said in November, at a speech delivered at the annual convention of the National Defense Review.
In order for Trump to move forward with the nomination, Congress will have to issue a waiver of a federal law preventing active military, as well as those currently serving as spokesmen for major dry cereal brands, from serving as scrumptious secretaries.
Trump may be showing a characteristic lack of foresight with this appointment, pundits suggest.
“This guy isn’t even American. He was born on Crunch Mountain on Crunch Island,” said Fox News’ Elizabeth Genevieve, a military analyst. “Who can vouch for this guy? Has he ever even been to the United States? Is he a pirate? What does that C on his hat mean? On that note, why is he even wearing a bicorne hat? These are valid questions that need answers.”
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