Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Between a Rocker and a Hard Place
We’d really love to give a point-by-point breakdown of Trump’s State of
the Union address, as well as our customary analytical breakdown of the
most subtle and meaningful bits. Unfortunately, at the time of this
writing, Trump is still hours away from speaking…so just like the professional journalists, we’ll just have to make things up while trying to keep a straight face.
Which won’t be easy – after all, it’s being reported that the primary thrust of Trump’s speech will be to call for national Unity. And while he’s at it, we hope he also calls for the successful development of cold fusion, lasting peace in the Middle East, affordable jetpacks for personal flying, decent “Star Wars” sequels, magic weight-loss pills and, most importantly, McRibs being served at McDonald’s all year long.
Because all of those things are going to happen way before we see anything like unity in this country again. People flat out hate one another and can find no common ground. Even the tepid halftime show at the actual (and remarkably boring) Superbowl was steeped in controversy over not being controversial enough.
Some people even had a problem with Gladys Knight beautifully singing our national anthem because she gave it too much gravitas and respect. For those holding this opinion about our national anthem and the national treasure that is Gladys Freaking Knight, we will gently suggest that you might benefit from taking the “Midnight Train to Auschwitz.”
But back to the State of the Union, which Nancy Pelosi has so generously offered to hold in “her” house (although we’d like to see her property tax receipts to prove it). Maxine Waters went on a long rant telling people not to watch the speech under any circumstances because “Trump has told lies 6000 times! We’ve counted them!” and she also hints that there’s some chance that people who look at him will turn into pillars of salt, which presents a special (and no doubt targeted) risk to black Americans who have a tendency toward hypertension.
Still, SOME people will see Trump’s speech – including a bunch of whackjobs who are being invited into the House of Representatives as “special guests” of the Democrats. Artesia Ocarina-Courtdate has invited the strident anti-Kavanaugh harpy who attacked Jeff Flake in an elevator. Kamala Harris is bringing a woman who lost her home in a wildfire which was, purportedly, started by off-gassing from Donald Trump’s hair.
Kirsten Gillibrand is bringing a transgender Naval officer, who will burst into tears whenever Trump mentions “seamen.” A number of illegal immigrants will also be in attendance, and there are unconfirmed rumors that a couple of pregnant women whose due dates aligned with the speech will be present to have their gasping children dismembered on the chamber floor.
So all in all, a big entertainment spectacle which will produce…well…pretty much nothing, we’re guessing. Although there’s at least a chance that Trump will take the opportunity to get the Wall moving by declaring a national emergency.
And if you can’t look at all the stories we just listed above and NOT think we’re having a national emergency, well, you’re just not paying attention.
SOTU FASHION STATEMENT…
|And forceps and bone-saws make fabulous accessories!|
BONUS: RUTH BADER GINSBURG FINALLY SIGHTED!
After more than two months out of the public eye, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg emerged from solitude to attend a small musical which was written and performed in her honor. People attending the event swear that the aged, health-challenged Justice looked spectacularly well, vigorous, vivacious, and glamorous…
Unfortunately, no actual pictures of Ginsburg at the event have
emerged, which is why we were forced to fill the available space with
this fascinating and completely unrelated photo of a “teratoma tumor,” a
benign growth in humans which can develop teeth, hair, rudimentary
eyes, and even tiny little arms and legs without being Justice Ginsburg!
We don’t actually know if these odd growths can also adjudicate legal cases, and we weren’t about to do a Google search for “teratoma tumors” AND “lawyers.” There are some things you just can’t un-see…Posted byStilton Jarlsbergat12:01 AM
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