Because “Mele Kalikimaka” is so difficult to pronounce

The left-leaning media is still hyperventilating about Russian interference with our election, going so far in some cases as to declare that we are no longer a free country and that Vladimir “Nice Pecs” Putin has successfully pulled off a massive coup d’etat. Apparently, his evil goal is to destroy us from within by facilitating the appointment of brain surgeons to cabinet positions.

All of which would seem considerably more like a terrifying existential crisis if Barack Obama cared enough to have skipped his annual bajillion-dollar Christmas getaway to the five-star environs of Hawaii. But there he is again, thousands of miles from the Oval Office – golfing, gnawing shave ice, eschewing any traditional symbols of Christmas or Christianity entirely, and (understandably) avoiding contact with family members as much as possible…

It’s all the more impressive considering her deep sense of hopelessness.

Frankly, we’re so sick of the first family and their wretched excesses that we pulled these cartoons out of the vault and can’t really work up any enthusiasm about coming up with fresh ways to disparage them today. We’re tired, we detest them, and we just want them gone.

Not that it’s a bad start having them on Oahu. Which, by wild coincidence, is what we’ll be shouting when they’re escorted (hopefully forcefully) out of the White House on January 20th.

BONUS: A RANDOM HOLIDAY THOUGHT…
…to help us fill out the page at least a little more.

Seriously, why isn’t PETA all over this?!

ADDITIONAL BONUS: YEP, IT’S MONDAY
Unlike sunny, expensive Oahu, it got darned cold in north Texas last night…and we’ve discovered that the pipes have frozen in one of the bathrooms. We’ve now got a heat lamp on the exterior wall, and a battery of space heaters and hair dryers blowing on the interior pipes (the area with the actual blockage can’t be reached directly).

There is also a real sense of suspense, wondering if – at any moment – our bathroom faucet will simply return to normal operations…or we’ll discover that a ruptured pipe is filling the walls of our home with water just in time for a randomly selected plumber to earn enough money for all of his Christmas shopping. And a Hawaiian vacation.

SO STILTON, HOW’S YOUR OBAMACARE DOING?
Thank you for asking. Healthcare.gov finally conceded my imaginary earning status for 2017 so that I could select another crappy, overpriced HMO plan – which I did.

And I assume all of that went smoothly, because last week I received six – count ’em – six new ID cards from Blue Cross. Three for me, and three for Mrs. Jarlsberg who isn’t on the policy anymore.  Then on Saturday, I received two more ID’s, both of which are in my name but showing different policy numbers.  So there’s at least some chance that I now have 8 insurance policies.

None of which stopped Healthcare.gov from sending me daily reminders that I was not insured and needed to hurry to beat the cutoff deadline. Which they’ve now extended since the website (for the umpteenth time) failed to keep up with the traffic.

They’ve also let me know that I can pay my multiple insurance policies by giving them my banking information and letting their crack computers siphon money whenever they feel like it.  I’d sooner hand over my information to a Nigerian prince who wants to share his fortune.

(Noon Update: I swear on all that’s Holy that I just got two more ID cards in today’s mail.)

This article is republished with permission from our friend Stilton Jarlsberg at Hope n’Change