Compiled by Ed Wallace, Publisher / Aug 21,2021

Biden has locked up billions of Taliban dollars that are now held hostage in the USA.  On another front, we haven’t heard from Richard Armitage recently, but I suspect he’s still in the mix of the opium trade and doing what he did in Vietnam and the Golden Triangle and thereafter in the Middle East and contiguous regions. When you click on a hyperlink, search the document for Armitage to get to the guts of it. The hyperlinked references are just a “quick and dirty” find. It’s easy to amass volumes of info regarding Armitage and his antics. Just try a Google search for yourself. In sum, like Afghanistan, we are experiencing predetermined stages of chaos in the USA. Operators like Armitage and his handlers will be advantaging themselves of opportunities that abound under the circumstances. The RINOs and DINOs are building war chests for upcoming election cycles. Drug money and “other” laundering is in the mix of it all. – Wayne Wickizer, Columnist at USN


Huge State Department Announcement Shows Biden Lied and Sends the Afghanistan Situation Into Code-Red Territory

The Silence of Kamala

Biden’s Afghanistan Debacle May Have Been Intentional

BOMBSHELL: DARPA was secretly developing the mRNA vaccine years ago through Moderna, and they seek permanent control over your body and bloodline

15 Million Votes in 2020 Election Not Accounted For, Report Finds

SATIRE: Real Fake News…. Or Is It? Biden Liberates Afghanistan, Declares Peace, Offers Afghanistan Humanistarian Infrastructure, Cuts Spending. AOL is Disappointed.

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Huge State Department Announcement Shows Biden Lied and Sends the Afghanistan Situation Into Code-Red Territory

A major State Department announcement has not only further shown Biden to be a liar but has escalated the situation in Afghanistan into code-red territory. Biden yesterday vs. U.S. Embassy today

There is no chance that Biden wasn’t aware of these issues yesterday when he spoke. In fact, there had already been dozens of reports from the prior days of Americans being beaten by the Taliban and having their documentation stolen. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin admitted that less than an hour after Biden’s speech, calling it “unacceptable.” Yet, the president went out in front of the nation and lied to everyone about what was truly going on. That’s why only a “couple of hundred” Americans got on planes yesterday when a total of 6,000 people were evacuated.

But the situation has gotten so bad that the State Department isn’t even beating around the bush anymore. Prior, they hid behind weasel language, making it seem as if Americans just needed to trust the Taliban and head to the airport while noting they can’t guarantee safe passage. Now, they are pointedly telling Americans to essentially shelter in place and remain trapped because things are so dangerous and out of control.

The Silence of Kamala

The hosts and guest of Fox News’ Outnumbered brutally dissected Vice President Kamala Harris on Wednesday.

Dissected is too clinical: they eviscerated her. Watch

This deafening silence is particularly egregious when she rode into the vice presidency on a wave of praise, adulation, and expectation. Kamala was THE ONE, the shining light, the hope of little colored boys and girls of all ethnicities, creeds, gender persuasions… or whatever.

Harris has been in hiding since the Fall of Kabul and the Taliban’s rapid takeover of Afghanistan. It is the Afghan women and girls who she claimed to champion who are now being overlooked, and systematically ignored. Taliban officers are beating women for whatever reason they see fit, randomly shooting women and young girls, and dragging girls from their homes and forcing them into marriage.

Right now, we are being led by a senile buffoon who can’t execute the duties of his office (that would be Joe Biden for anyone wondering). Yet, the person next in line for the presidency if Biden reaches the point of no return would likely be even worse. Harris has no ability to manage a crisis, inspire confidence, or lead the American people. Heck, she can’t even manage her own public image when all she had to do was put Twitter down for a few days.

Biden’s Afghanistan Debacle May Have Been Intentional

During his speech yesterday, Joe Biden angrily blamed everyone else for the collapse in Afghanistan, including his predecessor, President Donald Trump, saying that he had to comply with the deal Trump had worked out, despite the fact that the Taliban had breached the agreement and despite the fact that Biden himself had tossed aside so many other deals that Trump had worked out.

But Politico has a great story that completely blows all this apart. The story basically indicates that this debacle was intentional — that Biden always intended withdrawal, nothing to do with Trump, and to heck with our allies. They noted on the Afghanistan pullout, for example, Biden overruled his top military advisers and ignored the near-unanimous view of the Washington foreign policy establishment.

“That turban makes you look like an 19 year old.”

From Politico: It wasn’t a new position. While Biden championed nation building in Afghanistan in the early years of the war, he had turned against it long ago, as George Packer reported in The Atlantic earlier this year:

“By the time Biden became vice president in 2009, the disastrous war in Iraq, the endemic corruption of the Afghan government, and the return of the Taliban had made him a deep skeptic of the American commitment. He became the Obama administration’s strongest voice for getting out of Afghanistan. In 2010, he told RICHARD HOLBROOKE, Obama’s special representative for Afghanistan and Pakistan, that the U.S. had to leave Afghanistan regardless of the consequences for women or anyone else. According to Holbrooke’s diary, when he asked about American obligations to Afghans like the girl in the Kabul school, Biden replied with a history lesson from the final U.S. withdrawal from Southeast Asia in 1973: ‘Fu#k that, we don’t have to worry about that. We did it in Vietnam, Nixon and Kissinger got away with it.’”

Incredible. So he wanted to get out for years, and he believed he would be able to just pull out in a blind withdrawal without reckoning for the allies. Just as, in fact, he did, in the disaster we’ve been witnessing. He just thought he could get away with it, as he says there, because, in his opinion, others had in the past. Now, it makes sense why he ignored Afghan pleas for months, why he left any real actions to the last minute. Because he just couldn’t give a darn and it was always in his calculus to leave them high and dry.

This is not just Joe Biden incompetent. This is Joe Biden evil. He wasn’t avoiding Vietnam comparisons, he was using a Vietnam comparison to think that he could do what he did and get away with it. He pulled out without a real plan because he never had a plan. The plan was to just pull out and abandon them. Now he’s mad that he was wrong yet again, mad that we actually care and are demanding answers, mad that he does in fact have to account for people.

UK Parliament Holds Joe Biden in Contempt and the Details Are Disturbing

The UK Parliament has voted to hold the President of the United States in contempt. But while it’s a travesty that things have gotten to this point, it’s the details of what went on behind the scenes that led to this that are most disturbing. Earlier in the week, NSA Jake Sullivan shocked onlookers by announcing that Biden had not spoken to any world leaders about the pullout from Afghanistan. A dereliction of duty at that level is hard to fathom, though, it’s become commonplace for a president who continues to run to Delaware instead of, you know, being president.

Following Sullivan’s jaw-dropping admission, Biden apparently did talk to UK PM Boris Johnson. Unfortunately, it took 36 hours for the president to get around to answering the call, though.

The UK military was reportedly left completely in the dark about what the US was doing as far as pulling out. Timelines were not given, no preparations were made with NATO forces (which had more personnel on the ground than we did), and when the time came, pandemonium predictably broke out. Why was there no communication?

Horrific Reason Americans Are Now Being Told Not to Come to the Kabul Airport

The State Department is now warning Americans not to come to the airport because it isn’t safe, no matter what Joe Biden says. Translation: Joe Biden has no idea what is going on.

Now, there’s word that might explain why the State Department may be telling Americans that, beyond what the horrible conditions that we already knew about. People are getting shot outside the airport.

U.S. General Reportedly Tells British Commander in Kabul to Stop Rescuing People Because They’re Making the U.S. Look Bad

According to the Washington Examiner’s Tom Rogan, British special forces have been making heroic efforts to rescue not only British citizens but Americans as well. But the commanding general of the 82nd Airborne Division has told the British commander of their special forces to cease operations outside the airport perimeter. Apparently, it was making the U.S. military look bad.

Indeed, according to the Voice of America, the bloodthirsty, hostage-taking Haqqani network has been put in charge of security at the Kabul airport. The Haqqani network has been allied with al-Qaeda since the 1990s and has close ties with the Taliban. Who is the Taliban trying to fool by putting them in charge of airport security? The Haqqanis have been kidnapping Americans for more than a decade.

Kinder, gentler Taliban threaten to kill families of collaborators unless they surrender 

This is the first step any totalitarian regime takes when consolidating its power — liquidating the dissidents. Thanks to the rapidity of the American collapse in Afghanistan, the Taliban possesses a large trove of identifying data of those who assisted us in keeping the cities mostly stable against the Taliban threat. That includes, apparently, the biometric systems that we implemented to protect our allies and partners in Afghanistan.

Biden administration discontinued agency designed to help Americans abroad… in June 

In June, the Biden administration scrapped a federal agency tasked with assisting Americans abroad during emergencies. Just two short months later, about 15,000 Americans find themselves stranded in Afghanistan as the Taliban takes control of the country. The Contingency and Crisis Response Bureau (CCR) was created by former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and ended on June 11 by the Biden administration.

Biden’s 5 Mistruths on Afghanistan

In a speech that would have more appropriately been based on contrition and humility, Biden instead delivered a series of mistruths designed to portray his decision in the best possible light. Here are five statements that stood out as the most egregious.

6 Reasons China, Not Just Taliban, Benefits as US Exits From Afghanistan

Beyond Afghanistan, a major Chinese propaganda organ already has used the U.S. defeat there to warn Taiwan (which the communist regime claims as part of China) and potentially other countries.  China’s diplomats met late last month with Taliban leaders before the U.S. exit. Although Beijing is about 3,400 miles from Kabul, the two countries share a 50-mile border and China is expected to give early diplomatic recognition to a Taliban government in Afghanistan.

Afghan President Resurfaces In UAE After Abandoning Country With 169 Million American Dollars

The U.A.E. foreign ministry confirmed Wednesday that Ghani was being welcomed into the country on humanitarian grounds. Ghani initially fled across the Afghan border into Tajikistan with a handful of close advisors as the Taliban encircled Kabul, eventually capturing the capital city. Ghani is alleged to have stolen $169 million in U.S. currency when he departed Kabul. The Afghan Embassy in Tajikistan requested Wednesday that Interpol arrest Ghani for the theft

Clown World: CBS Blames Climate Change for the Rise of the Taliban

In a Babylon Bee-like story, CBS reported that climate change has aided in the resurgence of the Taliban. The only difference is that CBS wasn’t joking. “Rural Afghanistan has been rocked by climate change. The past three decades have brought floods and drought that have destroyed crops and left people hungry. And the Taliban — likely without knowing climate change was the cause — has taken advantage of that pain,” CBS had the stones to report.

This is the first paragraph of the article. In order to take this sheep dip seriously, one has to believe CBS has a department dedicated to studying decades of weather in rural Afghanistan. I don’t believe Afghanistan has that kind of info, much less CBS. Do you know what CBS does have? Wi-Fi access that allows them to read the Wikipedia article saying the weather is responsible for the Taliban’s rise

Biden: Hey, we don’t maintain troops in Syria to fight terrorism, do we? 

Uh … yes, in fact we do. Why wouldn’t Joe Biden know this, especially in the context of strategizing for over-the-horizon security in Afghanistan?

Taliban going ‘house to house’ in Afghanistan ‘hanging’ people who worked with US: source

As the U.S. military and State Department rush to evacuate American citizens and Afghan allies from Kabul’s airport, Taliban checkpoints are cutting off many from freedom and safety – and reports on the ground indicate the militants are summarily executing people who helped U.S. forces over the years.

‘We Will Never Surrender’: Afghanistan’s Last Free Province Refuses to Fold to the Taliban

A little more than 60 miles away from the besieged capital lies Panjshir, Afghanistan’s last free province. Panjshir — which translates to “Five Lions From Persia” —  has never been conquered, either by foreigners, the Taliban, or the Afghans. It remains a liberated zone.

Air Force Says Human Remains Were Discovered In ‘Wheel Well’ Of C-17 Aircraft That Left Kabul

ANALYSIS: Politicians, World Leaders Politely Ask The Taliban To Respect Women’s Rights

State Department demanding $2,000 from Americans for flights home from Kabul, more from non-Americans 

Biden Administration Won’t Say If It Will Reimburse Americans Who Were Charged Thousands To Board Flights Out Of Afghanistan

BOMBSHELL: DARPA was secretly developing the mRNA vaccine years ago through Moderna, and they seek permanent control over your body and bloodline

Prior to the worldwide lockdowns in 2020, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) and the National Institutes of Health (NIH) were surreptitiously working on a new mRNA vaccine platform using a new biotech company called Moderna. Their strategic planning began in 2013, when DARPA funds were used by Moderna to invent methods for inducing a short-lived immune response through administration of mRNA vaccines.

As this secretive DARPA project comes to light, it becomes apparent that nefarious forces within the US government were planning to unleash this technology for years prior to a “public health emergency.” To achieve compliance, they only needed to exploit human psychology, suspend the rule of law, and threaten people’s livelihoods to coerce the population to enter into this experiment and alter the natural physiology of their cells and biological functions. A director at the NIH, Dr. Anthony Fauci, made sure of that when he called for a nationwide lock down in March of 2020. Carrying out the plan, Fauci is now calling for mandatory injections of this genocidal operating software.

DARPA is clear that these mRNA vaccines are not intended to provide immunity, but instead invoke “transient immunity” that forces the body to create antibodies for only a few weeks or months. Straight from DARPA “Pandemic Prevention Platform”

This mRNA program is an operating system being installed inside humans – a sinister process of bodily control that is openly admitted by Moderna. These vaccines are a nanotechnology control weapon that delivers genetically coded instructions to rewire the recipient’s normal cellular processes. As a specific toxin (spike protein) is encoded and produced in the recipient’s body, their immune system is pressured to respond. Their immune responsive cells are attenuated over the long haul and become dependent on the instructions, as a biological phenomenon called pathogenic priming or antibody dependent enhancement takes hold.

From every year forward, the people will be told that they need their system update “booster shot” as a “new variant” is advertised. The spike protein bioweapon mRNA platform that is being launched through coercion and force today was planned years ago by DARPA, the NIH, Moderna, and their operatives at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

The CDC Only Tracks a Fraction of Breakthrough COVID-19 Infections, Even as Cases Surge 

A May 1 decision by the CDC to only track breakthrough infections that lead to hospitalization or death has left the nation with a muddled understanding of COVID-19’s impact on the vaccinated. The nation is flying blind yet again

Pandemonium Breaks out in Australia, as Stampede of Lockdown Protesters Overrun Police

Things are not going well in Australia. The once ostensibly democratic country has been the scene of some of the strictest, most irrational lockdown policies of the entire pandemic. And while their neighbor, New Zealand, has gone absolutely insane (including locking down over a single COVID case), the Aussies are right there with them.

JUST Chaotic scenes as protesters break through police barricades in Melbourne, Australia #Melbourneprotest #sydneyprotest — Insider Paper (@TheInsiderPaper) August 21, 2021

15 Million Votes in 2020 Election Not Accounted For, Report Finds

The Public Interest Legal Foundation, a conservative watchdog group on election integrity, released a research brief Wednesday assessing the effect of mass mail-in balloting in an election with a close presidential race in key battleground states such as Arizona, Georgia, and Wisconsin

“These figures detail how the 2020 push to mail voting needs to be a one-year experiment,” J. Christian Adams, president of the Public Interest Legal Foundation, said in a public statement

The report found that 1.1 million mail-in ballots were undeliverable for various reasons. Election officials rejected another 560,814 mail-in ballots. 

Another 14.7 million mailed ballots met an “unknown” fate, the report says.

Democrats Panic and Launch Racist Attack on Larry Elder as Newsom’s Doom Draws Near

With polls showing “a neck-and-neck race on whether to recall the failed far-left Gavin Newsom,” the LA Times published a disgusting column entitled, “Larry Elder is the Black Face of White Supremacy. You’ve Been Warned.”

America: Free Country or Banana Republic? 

In a free country, individual liberties are not subject to the whims of rulers. As long as a person does not infringe on others’ liberties, his own liberties may not be infringed. They do not depend on the good graces of those who happen to be in power at any given moment.

America is at a crossroads. Will the people demand that their leaders stop treating their God-given liberties as something to be granted or rescinded at will? Or are we doomed to a future in which we can only hope to be governed by the strongman (or woman) with the least interest in enslaving us? The former is the way of freedom and prosperity. The latter is the way to a banana republic.

Judge rules felony deportation law unconstitutional. Yes, seriously

Texas Dem who fled state went to Portugal to get married

Elon Musk introduces humanoid robot prototype at Tesla AI Day

BofA, Lowe’s CRT training told White staff to ‘cede power to people of color’

Propaganda & the Republic: The Frightful Intelligence of Manufacturing Militarism by Bradley J. Birzer

Expertly researched and well written, “Manufacturing Militarism” considers the history of propaganda over the last 100 years of American history, focusing especially on the Iraq War and the continuing War on Terrorism..

The Map of Human Character by Will Durant

We of this generation give too much time to news about the transient present, too little to the living past. We are choked with news, and starved of history. But how, without history, can we understand these events?

On the Originals of Fictive Mental Images by Eva Brann

There may be intellects capable of pure “contemplation” but most of us must envision just to think. Plotinus describes an eidetic experience, which means that the mental form is not attributionally transcendent but actually so. We are, for that moment, theophorai, “godbearers,” possessed by immortals.

Biden Liberates Afghanistan, Declares Peace, Offers Afghanistan Humanistarian Infrastructure, Cuts Spending. AOL is Disappointed.

Viva la Liberation

After getting rid of sacrificing an entire generation of brave, patriotic young soldiers and wasting billions (trillions?) in the sandy middle Eastern money pits, Afghanistan has now been overrun by Taliban forces. In other words: a deeply conservative, traditionalist Islamic country seems to prefer a deeply conservative, traditionalist Islamic government.

Who would have thunked! They pinky-sweared to be sweet and meek little lambs, and now they… sniff, sniff … broke their promise. This must be the first time in history Islamic conquering armies do such a thing (oh, wait).

Maybe we should have sent more Drag Queens to their kindergartens to read stories, or maybe we should have provided the Taliban with more stretchy garments for their pregnant female fighters. Maybe then they would have been in awe about the current state of Western civilization! If only we could find some sort of common denominator… something to explain why Afghanistan and Iraq are so difficult to turn into San Francisco… (Without using the word Islam, of course, that’s beyond the pale).

Biden offers Afghanistan Humanistarian Infrastructure

After 21 years of ineffective effort, President Biden has announced his plan to provide humanistarian infrastructure for the newly liberterrorgated Afghanistan.

Infrastructure such as airports, runways, forts, and defensive outposts will be provided to the Talib of Afghanistan through this humanguishtarian effort.

Further, all technical equipment necessary to maintain these basic provided buildings and roads necessary for a newly liberterrorgated nation to exist is included. The secure fenced off areas will be put to usefulness to provide a secure place for Amerifidels, and traitorizens to shelter as the process to determine reasoning of those wishing to leave Afghanistan.

Military equipment is also included in this massive plan. F-15’s, Blackhawk’s, and as many as possible missile launchers will be provided with Javelin missiles. In order to better train the Talib Military, F-15 flight simulator training equipment, including manuals and training materials are right now, in the hands of the Talib Military who need this equipment as soon as possible.

Through this humanguishtarian effort to support this newly liberterrorgated nation with the basic infrastructure all governments require within their national constitutional fundamentals, the Future promises to be far more chaotic than we have ever dreamed of becoming. It’s just so irresponsible to donate all this equipment to the Taliban… without providing training, service contracts and spare parts!

Our Taliban Afghani Comrades are finally ready to spread their religion of peace worldwide, bringing the love of Sharia (and with it; minimum living wages, women’s healthcare and a love of diversity toward all belief systems, orientations, genders and pronouns) to all who will receive the taquyyia truth.

Biden Cuts Spending

Apparently the Taliban are selling cheap Blackhawk Helicopters and other American military materiel. “Buying this equipment at these prices is a bargain, it’s practically stealing it,” according to President Biden. He is sending his top negotiator, Hunter Biden, with a secret laptop full of videos about negotiating skills, to arrange the trade. It is rumored that Hunter will try to buy these arms in exchange for some of his highly praised artworks.

NOTE FOR THE WHITE HOUSE:The text above is satire. Please do NOT do this. It’s not a manual! It’s bad enough already.

“What you had is you had entire brigades breaking through the gates of our Embassy. Six if I’m not mistaken. The Taliban is not the South, the North Vietnamese army. They’re not—they’re not remotely comparable in terms of capability. There’s going to be no circumstance where you’re going to see people being lifted off the roof of a embassy” – Joe Biden, August 5, 2021

It’s officially beyond parody now…

Just so sad, all those lives wasted, being led by these blundering fools. Let me be the first to nominate President* Biden for the Nobbled Peace Prize. He’s done more, in all his years in government, to create the climate for needed peace negotiations than any President in the past 5 years. You can’t have peace if you don’t surrender. Just ask the French.

Afghanistan Falls To Taliban Couple Hours Earlier Than Expected

Reports confirmed that Afghanistan fell to the Taliban a couple hours earlier than anyone expected. “We of course knew the well-armed, well-organized, and highly motivated Taliban fighters would seize power eventually—it just happened 90 to 120 minutes sooner than we were anticipating,” said U.S. Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, explaining that American and Afghan officials were caught flat-footed Sunday evening when they discovered Taliban leaders were already giving media interviews in Kabul’s presidential palace. “That was a development we did not foresee happening until sometime later, maybe around bedtime, or at least after supper. But we were working from our best estimate. It’s easy, in hindsight, to say that you would have done this or that thing differently during 20 years of attempting to install a brand-new democratic government, military, and civil society.” 

At press time, critics of the withdrawal claimed that if the U.S. military had spent another decade in Afghanistan, they could have prevented a Taliban takeover for as long as three full hours.

AOC disappointed Taliban is using ‘gas trucks’ to rape and pillage instead of electric vehicles

Washington: News of the horrifying takeover of Afghanistan by the Taliban, who are raping and beheading opposition as they go, made its way to Congress and some people are not happy.

“I can’t believe they’re using gas-powered trucks to rape and pillage the country,” US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) said. “Don’t they understand that the world is going to end in 12 years because of climate change? Use electric vehicles when you’re driving around terrorizing the countryside!”

After a US occupation of 20 years with a cost of over $2 trillion, the Taliban overtook the country in under one month, all while using gas-powered tanks.

“Look, rape and behead all the people all you want,” AOC said, “but if you’re going to do it, at least use an electric vehicle to get there! These militants are so Medieval!” AOC has been predicting the end of the world from climate change in 12 years for the last 3 years but no one seems to be listening.

Speaking of beheadings and rapes:

CNN: Taliban conducts mostly peaceful beheadings, rapes after retaking Afghanistan

CNN reports that Afghanistan citizens face mostly peaceful executions, beheadings, and violent rapes of adolescent women as the Taliban sweeps across the country, wrestling control from ineffective government forces as the U.S. troop withdrawal nears, according to U.S. officials and watchdog groups.

The U.S. embassy in Kabul said Wednesday that it was receiving reports that Taliban members were beheading opposition and raping women and goats but CNN has discovered that it has been a mostly peaceful enterprise.

The mostly peaceful executions “could constitute war crimes,” the embassy tweeted.

“When there are two girls in a family, they take one to marry her off; when there are two boys, they take one to make him fight,” reported a young widow, with a dirty catheter planted in her hand from a leg injury. The widow assured CNN that it is all being done in a mostly peaceful way.

US Vice President* Kamala Harris said of the mostly peaceful Taliban takeover, “But they’re not going to stop. They’re not going to stop. They’re not. This is a movement. I’m telling you. They’re not going to stop, and everyone, beware. Because they’re not going to stop. They’re not going to stop before election day in November, and they are not going to stop after election day. And everyone should take note of that on both levels. That they’re not going to let up. And they should not, and we should not.”

This story is developing.

Critics Warn Withdrawal From Afghanistan Paints Entirely Accurate Picture Of U.S. Government

Characterizing the disaster left behind after a 20-year military intervention as completely indicative of what America stands for, critics warned Tuesday that the withdrawal from Afghanistan paints an entirely accurate picture of the U.S. government. 

“The collapse of a nation following its occupation by the United States sends the international community a message that we’re a big powerful country that goes around the world blundering into lengthy imperial misadventures,” said Douglas Reisenthaler of the nonpartisan Institute for Federal Policy, one of many detractors who argued that by exiting Afghanistan, the U.S. military was giving the completely spot-on impression that America invades foreign countries on dubious grounds, enters aimless, prolonged conflagrations that it refuses to leave out of pride, and then retreats after a humiliating defeat.

“And while that’s absolutely true, it’s poor strategy to continually reinforce that image, giving our allies and adversaries an emblematic representation of what the foreign policy establishment in Washington has been advocating for decades. Every time we act in line with what we actually stand for, the United States loses a little more prestige.” At press time, supporters of the withdrawal were praising America for being consistent with its values by completely bungling the conflict. 

Disappointed Taliban Realizes Taking Over Afghanistan More Fun Than Running It

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Following the terrorist organization’s rapid recapture of the Central Asian country, a disappointed Taliban informed reporters Wednesday that taking over Afghanistan had turned out to be way more fun than running it. “Obviously, storming the smaller cities and plowing toward the capital was a total blast, but now that we actually have to govern this place, it’s actually kind of a slog,” said Taliban supreme commander Haibatullah Akhundzada, describing his shock at how much of a “drag” it was to administer an impoverished country without any functioning infrastructure or durable goods that had been ravaged by two decades of warfare. 

“I became a terrorist to terrorize—to detonate IEDs and shoot rocket launchers at American tanks. If you had told me that instead I’d be spending most of my time trying to develop a unified national identity around fragmented tribal communities spread out over thousands of miles of mountainous terrain, I never would have signed up. Now I get why America wanted no part of this.” At press time, the Taliban decided to give up on governing and just enjoy killing people instead.

Excited Taliban Fighter Buys Extra Copy Of ‘New York Times’ To Frame

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Telling friends that the keepsake would ensure he always remembered the decisive moment, excited Taliban fighter Muhammad Ahmadi reportedly bought an extra copy of The New York Times Monday to frame. “Oh wow, this is going to look so fantastic above my mantel—it’s an above-the-fold headline and everything,” said Ahmadi, a smile spreading over his face as he held up a copy of the day’s paper that showed him posing alongside his fellow Islamist fighters following their successful seizure of the Afghan capital. 

“Obviously, I’ll always cherish my copy of Newsweek from September 11. And it was cool getting into the AP after we took Mazar-i-Sharif. But appearing in the Times just makes it seem so much more real and historic, y’know? And it’s honestly a really flattering picture of me.” At press time, Ahmadi had scooped the store’s remaining copies of the Times into his arms to send out to his parents and extended family members.

Biden Disappointed After Waking Up To Discover Taliban Still There

CAMP DAVID, MD—Waking up and rolling over in bed to reach for his morning paper, President Joe Biden reportedly expressed disappointment Tuesday after he read through the front pages and discovered the Taliban had not simply disappeared from Afghanistan overnight. “Damn it, why can’t they just go away?” said the visibly groggy president, rubbing his eyes as he read that the Taliban fighters who had retaken Afghanistan had not, as he hoped, changed their mind about seizing power from the American-backed government. 

“I figured there was a chance they would voluntarily surrender while I slept, or that the remains of the Afghan forces would somehow rise up and wrest back control—but nope. Looks like at least one more news cycle of AK-47-toting radicals giving press conferences and occupying former American military installations. Well, I guess I’ll keep the TV turned off and check back this afternoon. Surely this thing will work itself out soon.” According to revised U.S. intelligence estimates, the Taliban could remain a viable force in Afghanistan all the way through next week.

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