At a hastily called press conference, surrounded by a swarm of enthusiastic reporters from as far away as as SLC, Council
woman person Carbon Life Form (CLF) Marguerita DeVille said “Aloha, I have summoned you all to this hastily called press conference to announce that our beloved city is buying Maui. Like here, Maui is a favorite tourist destination. It’s a place to go in search of world-class beaches, massive waves for surfing, dolphin, and whale watching.”
DeVille was donned in a rainbow-colored linen moo-moo dress with a Thai lief lei twist around her neck and Polynesian hunks and dancers at her side wearing crowns of white orchids, ti ankle leis, and bare feet.
Mayor Orphalia Pane pushed DeVille aside and related that “Maui and St. George have a lot in common. St. George used to be on the ocean floor. This is a great opportunity to reconnect with our heritage.”
City Manager Tommy Hawk stated, “This shows the foresight and problem-solving capabilities of our elected patriot officals and is exactly the type of leadership our community needs.”
A reporter asked, “Why Hawaii? Why not Montana or Wyoming?”
CLF Willie Makit replied “Are you kidding me? Montana? Wyoming? We’re already in the wild west. Why on earth would we want to buy something we already possess? This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to expand our reach.”
“Could it be that you simply want to exploit the island’s natural resources like coconuts, sugar, pineapple, pearls, and mangos?” the reporter added.
“Absolutely not,” Makit replied, “I can get those at my local grocery store. There’s a special bond between St. George and Maui. They both possess majestic, stunning photo opportunities. They are both meccas for the lovers of the outdoors and hikers in particular.”
A social blogger asked “Well, we know it is physically impossible for you to move Maui to St. George, and some may protest, as some are considering declaring their state a sovereign nation, much like the Native Americans on the mainland. What will you gain by buying Maui?”
Newly elected CLF Joe Kerr answered “We would experience absolutely no personal gain, at least any that can be directly linked to us. Our intent is purely altruistic. Most of the island is already condemned. We’re getting it at a fire-sale price. It’s a steal.”
The blogger asked, “How is buying Maui investing in the future of St. George?”
Kerr replied, “You’ll have to wait until the purchase is complete before you learn that.”
Another reporter asked, “Does this fall within the proper role of the government?”
“Government is whatever we say it is” replied Hawk. “We have to expand because we don’t really produce anything, except more government and regulations for the unruly masses. The only way we can grow is to increase our voter base and taxes. Government is a business, for Pete’s sake. We have to make a profit. Seriously, why worry yourself about what we buy? Smarter people can make the decisions for you. Let us do the thinking, then we’ll take your assets and allocate them appropriately.”
“I thought the government was a service” the reporter pressed, “whose only purpose was to protect the citizens while they pursue their dream of happiness?”
DeVille lectured: “That’s a pretty selfish view of our role. In a true Utopian society, there is no self to begin with. We must stand up against the hostile enemies that surround us as they continue their desperate attempts to tear down the very institutions that their selfish lives depend upon. This is a most selfless act. Only the hateful and mentally insane could oppose the socially progressive, bright Utopian future we have planned for them. Any dissenters should voluntarily check themselves into a re-education camp where they can be trained to be a zen socialist, like I did, and bask in the glory of our ever-knowing and ever-expanding government whose only purpose in being is to protect and watch over them.
DeVille went on “I myself, at times, have also been guilty of thinking but I have repented and now avoid that temptation. I’ve learned that considering facts, science, economic history, political history or simple math will only lead me astray. True progress requires action and if I’m thinking, then I’m not acting. Instead, I’m impeding progress and aiding our enemies that willfully commit acts of treason against our system.” Placing her right hand over her heart, she added “ We’re actually protecting the Constitution and advancing freedom… as we define it.”
“Yeah,” said Council person Sue Ridge. Turning to Deville, she continued “I am so proud of you for undergoing the massive erasure of your brain, and willingly no less. I can’t imagine what my life would be without you in it… Really!!!”
Kent C. Strait, founder of the St. George Essence of Happiness group, a non-entity that boasts hundreds of members and collected money for the visual enhancement propaganda that supported the recent duping of local taxpayers into raising their own taxes (something they would never allow the government to do) said, “We’re lobbying for a million dollar study to research the feasibility of constructing a floating path from the mainland to the island similar to what we supported a few years ago with the Lake Powell Pipeline. That study only cost $40mil. It would have worked if the drought hadn’t happened, darn it. We won’t have that problem with dirt. This is a slam dunk. You can go to my our website to contribute. We accept all forms of payments”
“You mentioned a walkway across the ocean.” a reporter from the Salt Lake Tribulation asked, “Is that why you all supported the $45mil (with interest )Go-Bond, in the recent election?”
Joe Kerr replied “We supported the bond because it’s a blank check for us to use as discretionary funds as long as we define it as fun. Things like more pickleball courts, and parks where drag queens can deepen our understanding of diversity, especially among young children. What we do with that money is our business. The voters are no longer involved in how we spend it, but the voters will benefit because the bond delays our increasing their taxes for years, maybe one or two. Their burden will be light because it could take 25 years for them to pay it back and half of them will probably be dead, and the debt can be passed onto their children and grandchildren, giving them an opportunity to do their civic duty and contribute to society. We believe that the majority of residents are in favor of the bond and we’re going to spend it all! That’s what they asked us to do. Besides, we failed to budget over the years for updating and maintaining the older facilities, so now we need to borrow the money for that. Ultimately, it’s the taxpayers who are going to pay anyway”
The blogger asked, “Less than half of the voters that voted for a Congressional candidate voted on the bond issue. Do you believe that a majority of residents are the 12% of the population who voted to steal money from their neighbors to pay for something the proponents wanted, and their neighbors probably don’t use?” “Isn’t that socialism?”
“Are you calling us socialists?” snapped Major Pane.
“No, just asking” the blogger replied.
“Listen, Sonny, None of this was a great shock. The voters are morons. They proved that in the 2020 election when they focused on a president who couldn’t speak without lying and a major Democrat candidate who often couldn’t speak period. And, they reelected two members of Congress in PA and TN that had died months before the election. There aren’t enough patriots left in America who care about their freedoms and liberty. Most of our public have been trained to think like a socialist while believing that they’re conservative.”
The leaders laughed. “Here in St George, democracy is when the establishment holds unlimited power. So let’s not even pretend the political identifier or quality of the candidate, or even being alive or functioning, truly matters. Thomas Jefferson was right after all. ‘The government you elect is the government you deserve.”
Changing the subject, Armand Hammer, the Chairman of the Southern Ewetah Little Boxes Builders Gang added “We need the land. This is absolutely essential for maintaining the quality of life we enjoy and often take for granted. This deal guarantees that we’ll be able to continue the level of growth we’ve been enjoying while attracting more people ….. like us. Of course, this will require that the public pay for the growth but that’s the price of expanding our area and building a utopia. It’s going to provide more jobs, more buildings, cars, lots of more traffic, businesses, roads, real estate agents, servers in restaurants… more of everything. None of our current residents will be able to afford to live here anymore, but that is a sacrifice we have to make to attract the billions that we need to fulfill our vision of unlimited money and power. Oops, did I just say that?”
A reporter from the Deserted News asked “So, you’re making the taxpayers fund the acquisition costs of creating more business for yourselves? Isn’t that crony socialism?”
For a moment, they all stood there like deers in the headlights, then the blogger asked “What’s the real reason you want to buy Maui?
DeVille answered, “OK. You’re forcing it out of me. I’m going to be honest with you. Both Maui and St. George maintain some mystical energy that draws tour-ons and artists that are sensitive to the environment and both are known for their vortices – energy twisters. Sedona brings in billions each year by exploiting that crowd. We just want a piece of that pie. We’re not asking for the whole train… just a boxcar, that can also be used to transport radical insurrectionists to the reeducation camps
“I heard that our vortexes are now in the Black Hills of North Carolina” shouted the blogger. “They were taken there by the very person that found them.”
“I’m aware of that claim,” DeVille winced, “That’s precisely why we’re purchasing Maui. It wouldn’t have been right to just go over there and take their vortices. We need the vortices here, and here they will be.”
Major Pane added “The only sad part of all this is that all the council CLF’s, except for Council Woman Amber Green, are aligned with it. She won’t lessen her values and compromise or try to come to the middle, which makes it tougher for the rest of us to govern. Amber is a reactionary, knuckle-dragging, right-winger, a freedom-loving Christian conservative, who loves America and the founding documents. She wants to seize control of the council and advance politically extreme far-right views. She thinks everyone deserves to be heard. She is rarely in step with the rest of us.”
Pane went on “Believe me, there is nobody that can better plan, monitor, supervise, and assess your quality of life than a well-meaning government official, sensitive to your needs and fantasies. Remember, all you have is granted by us and we always have your welfare and interests in mind. Just think of the disaster the world would be in if we were not controlling everything.”
“Would you say out of all the things you’ve done since you’ve been elected, this would take the cake, your piece de resistance?” asked one reporter to the group.
Pane replied, “I see each and every feat I have accomplished as equally magnanimous.”
“Is this purchase Constitutional, or legal?” asked someone.
“What kind of question is that?” Shouted Mayor Pane. “What a horrible thing to say. I’m not liking the negativity I’m feeling here. Why can’t you just all trust and agree with us? No more comments or questions. This press conference is over.”
On her way to her limousine, Pane added “What do you know about the Constitution anyway? Were you there when it was written? We’ve already searched the laws within that living and breathing document, which was written by a bunch of grumpy old men wearing powdered wigs and high-heeled pumps, long before transgenderism became fashionable. Everything is legal until some judge says it isn’t.”
Green, who is well-known to be the often lone dissenting voice in city leadership, was notably absent from the presser but responded to our request to comment on her position of buying Maui. In a statement to USN, Green said:
“I’d rather kiss Stalin’s mustache. I don’t want anything to do with it. Most politicians try to make people believe they have a problem, and then sell them the solution, and tell them it’s not going to cost a dime. There’s a lot of money to be made by giving the voters what they thought they wanted.
The mark of an exceptional snake oil salesman is to not only make his bottle of elixir appear desirable but to make it appear so desirable that other people who buy it will tell you you’re a fool and ridicule you if you don’t.
Enjoy your indigestion.”
Note, as of Dec 4, 2023
The population of St George was appx. 108,535 including 69,416 adults
44,635 voted for a Congressional Candidate
Less than 50% of those who voted, voted on the bond issue
13,419 for the bond
7,822 against the bond
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