New York Gov. Cuomo ends death penalty except for babies

February 5, 2019/in Commentary, Political Satire /by Oleg Atbashian

Albany, NY — New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo continues to make major changes in the name of progress and tolerance. These will appeal to liberal-progressives, and benefit ex cons and mass murderers across the nation. Signing off on these new policies will launch the governor’s bid for his presidential run among the 353,739 candidates now on the Democrat ticket.

The governor just signed into law, after ending the death penalty, a woman’s right to abort about-to-be-born babies who could live outside the womb – up to the moment of birth. 

Shrugging off criticism of having passed a death sentence on babies after having ended the death penalty for murderers, Cuomo said, “Our base is what matters, not what people think.”

The new law means, if a mother chose to abort as soon as she is experiencing labor pains, or second thoughts, whichever came first, she can have the child’s head liquified and sucked out with a Hoover. In the name of progress, doctors will give classes to would-be serial killers and other progressives who might try their hands at this soon-to-be-popularized sport.

At the end of 2013 the governor passed laws against legal gun owners depriving them of their civil rights and ability to defend themselves and their unborn fetuses from violence about to happen to them by fans of the Democrat Cuomo. For example, abortionists. 

Serial killers, illegal gun smugglers, MS13 machete wielders and abortionists will be exempted from this law of course, even though all of these good people want to lawfully participate in any restriction that they will disregard. 

In fact statistics show the New York SAFE Act has been effective beyond expectations. 

For almost a half century from the time the AR15 has been available, no child in the state of New York has ever been killed by one. And in the five years since the passage of the NY SAFE Act, no child has been killed by an AR. This is clear evidence that eliminating AR15s is particularly effective to prevent violence against children by abortionists and other Democrats and New York’s governors.

Earlier the governor told the citizens that conservatives have no place in his state. They should just leave, said Mr. Cuomo. 

No problem, said the four million New Yorkers who have left the state in a single decade. 5700 millionaires left just in 2018. 

Some of these undesirable white trash, says NYC’s mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr, are rich and conservative, making them even more deplorable now ready to be fleeced.

The governor’s latest proposal about to be approved by the wholly Democrat-controlled assembly is to combine the governor’s previous achievements controlling people with his progressive thinking about controlling conservatives. 

Added to appropriations for government is the governor’s proposal to fund Black Lives Matter and other charitable groups committed to the pursuit of breathing. More funding will provide abortion services to any progressive New Yorker wishing to abort their conservative-leaning college-age children who read about economics by Milton Friedman or wear MAGA hats.

The proposed law will allow for the abortion of conservatives after birth up to the age of 85. Older conservatives will be allowed to live, but not provided with air because the elderly add to global warming. 

The governor promised, if he gets elected president, to expand his policy to the rest of the nation by then mostly filled with the entire population of South America, ex-cons and gang bangers from Chicago, MS13, the homeless and fattened lesbians. 

To promote intersectionality, the highest form of honor shall be recognized for migrants of color, Hispanic, MS13 member having a long rap sheet with frequent rape convictions, having no address, and lesbian of sentiment.

In order to implement Andrew Cuomo’s strategy the legislature is asking New York’s citizens to end the crime of conservatism and thinking for oneself in his state, identify their conservative neighbors, sons and daughters, fathers and mothers and other relatives, by simply calling the hotline 1-800-CONSERVATIVE. The abortions of millions of these deplorables will be facilitated by New York’s finest whose lives no longer matter. 

Conservatives and other undesirables have no place in the State of New York, said the governor, and they will be aborted promptly after a short inquisition to determine if they ever entertained improper thoughts.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Kommissar Chernobylski originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.