“A Day Without Sobriety” campaign gains momentum in the Motherland.

Concerned that Russians don’t consume enough alcohol in the month of March, Russia’s Orthodox Church has now made St. Patrick’s Day​ an official holiday over the country’s enormous territory, stretching from Europe in the west to the Pacific Ocean to the east.

Because the Russian Orthodox Church’s Julian calendar is two weeks behind the Western standard Gregorian calendar, the celebration is being scheduled on March 30th, almost two weeks after the drinking has wrapped up in the rest of the world. This means that Russia’s 143 million-strong population will be carousing on the 17th when everyone else does it, and then again on the 30th, similar to how the Russians hold two New Year celebrations according to the both calendars.

“Various holidays and other occasions to consume alcohol in our great Motherland are usually positioned throughout the calendar at about two-week intervals,” Vladimir Legoida, a spokesman for the church, told the news agency Interfax. “But until now there had been a glaring gap between Woman’s Day on March 8th when people drink to celebrate our glorious achievements in women’s rights, and Cosmonauts’ Day on April 12th when people drink to celebrate our glorious achievements in space exploration and technology.”

According to the church spokesman, that gap will now be appropriately filled with the double St. Paddy Day celebration, meaning that from now on the Russians will enjoy an uninterrupted two-week drinking schedule throughout the year without the unfortunate prolonged episodes of sobriety.

“Scientists tell us that it takes at least two weeks of abstinence for the brain to recover from alcohol-induced damage,” Legoida explained. “So if you’re serious about your maintaining continuous brain damage, you must refill your blood stream at least every two weeks, or else you’ll be in danger of recovering your cerebral functions.”

The Russian Orthodox Church has revised its ecclesiastical calendar based on the drinking patterns of its faithful worshippers in dioceses located in Western Europe. Church officials weighed this information, as well as the absence of particular saints’ name in polemical works criticizing Vladimir Putin, or any media statements that may have implicated them in being Russophobes.

While this year will mark the first time the patron saint of Ireland is used as an official excuse to consume alcohol in Russia, cities across the land have held annual holiday festivities for years already (see pictures below).
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This article is republished with permission from our friend Oleg Atbashian at The People’s Cube.