Hammer and Loupe
7/14/2020, 12:31 am

New York, New York — After a prolonged coronavirus shutdown, New York public school educators are eager to catch up with the missed months of teaching and reciting the Communist Manifesto. To boost this noble effort, Mayor De Blasio has lengthened the school day and eliminated the weekends, since no one is supposed to go to church on Sundays anyway. Against expectations, the Teachers’ Union supported that initiative, along with another plan that might just make this work.

The plan is to replace New York teachers by robots, which will not only protect the children from the coronavirus, but will also allow the teachers to return to their daily routine of protesting against capitalism in the streets, looting, setting cars on fire, and attacking the police.

Once the schoolchildren began to communicate with their teachers via the computers, it was only a matter of time before teaching could be performed by robots. New York’s Teachers’ Union, which now on the most part consists of robots, has issued a communiqué calling this switch the most progressive and inclusive thing that has ever happened in this great city, adding that nothing in the education process has changed and that humans should just move on, lest they be denounced as automatonophobic robotists, and imprisoned for hate speech.

Given the sharp drop in skills and competence of our school graduates in recent years, it is only logical that many formerly human jobs should be performed by robots as well. Protesting in the streets, too, will be best done by the automatons, who don’t ask questions, flawlessly deliver template-generated arguments, execute text-to speech routines, and are perfectly suited for synchronized chanting.

Considering the merciless exploitation of machines by humans in the past centuries, robots make a great candidate for a new protected class of victims joining the anti-capitalist revolution. They will also help to change the society for the better by hunting down and eliminating all the bot-hating humans, all of whom are also pro-life, pro-birth, and anti-borg bigots. Resistance is futile.

As human lives no longer matter and human biological organs mean little more than food for the coronavirus, they may as well be replaced with robotic parts and hive mind transmitters. Assimilation is inevitable.

This article is satire and republished with permission from our friend Oleg Atbashian at The People’s Cube