Obama goes on apology tour to counter Trump’s foreign policy

Washington D.C. — The former U.S. president. Barack Obama, has surprised reporters with the announcement that he will travel abroad on his Second Apology Tour. The purpose of the trip, said the former leader, is to “Make America Small Again,” and more importantly, he added for emphasis, to make America’s enemies feel better about themselves.

Mr. Obama said, “If North Korea chooses to build ICBMs on which they intend to fit Multiple Reentry Vehicles and attack their neighbors and the U.S., it’s their business, not ours. I believe in choice, and it should be our choice to look the other way. Those are their missiles and their nukes, not ours. Think about it. Who are we to talk? After all, we have a few of these ourselves, even if they’re half century-old rusted heaps of scrap metal that haven’t worked in decades.”
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The former president said that the final straw in his decision to go on another apology tour was President Trump’s speech at the United Nations that was entirely bereft of repeated apologies for the existence of the United States. As for Israel, Mr. Obama admitted that he did not take kindly to seeing a smiling Bibi Netanyahu in the room filled with important human beings.

“The most insulting prospect,” offered Mr. Obama, “is the idea of American Exceptionalism that implied that the United States has a more important role on the world stage than North Korea.” He insisted that such thinking is unfair and bigoted. “How do you think Kim Jong-Un feels?”

Glaring angrily at reporters who were shaking their heads, Mr. Obama said the North Korean leader and the entire world must resist the evil that is Trump, and he will support the resistance by promptly flying to Pyongyang to act as a human shield against American militaristic criminals. And then he will apologize from the capital of the unjustly-maligned state to everyone who is offended by America, by Japan, by prosperity, and a humanity that appreciates the tyrannical and racist idea they call “freedom.”

Mr. Obama admitted, “Clearly, President Kim is a world statesman of historical proportions, expressing his rights to his kingdom by threatening to blow his enemies into nothingness. It’s his job after all, “North Korea First,” and America has no right to interfere with Kim’s regime just because I had interfered with Netanyahu’s by sending a team over to Jerusalem to crush Bibi’s opposition. “It’s a good thing I didn’t nuke Jerusalem and Bibi’s home. which took great discipline for me.”

“Look, in spite of rumors, I never hated America,” the former leader added as he got on his knees to protest the American anthem. “I just never liked it much. Do you blame me?”

He added, “I have to apologize for President Trump’s insulting statements that serve no other purpose than to defend our allies who should have no say in this matter. They will be toast anyway, inshallah. President Trump’s words are not fair.” At this point the former president stood up from his seat and left the chambers by kicking the door open in front of him.

Mr. Obama intends to return to his rightful place in the Oval Office soon, where a large shoe rest is awaiting him.