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Monday, January 21, 2019

Noose Reports

Today’s commentary is simply a slice of life observation, to which we’ll add the observation that “slice” and “life” are usually only mentioned together in crime reports.

When perusing the news for anything that was actually interesting, we couldn’t find squat – but were stopped in our tracks when we encountered the online headline “World’s Cutest Dog Dies of Heartbreak.” And no, we didn’t read the story nor are we providing a link (though it’s easy enough to find) because we’re aghast – albeit sardonically amused – that such a story is even out there for people to willingly click on. Presumably for those folks who weren’t already feeling suicidal enough.

Granted, we shouldn’t be hypocritical enough to suggest that this story doesn’t speak to our own decidedly sick sense of humor. For instance, we couldn’t help but think of how this situation would be handled in our other strip, Johnny Optimism…

Not that there was NO weekend news worth making fun of. There were multiple Women’s March events around the country, with pussy hat-wearing femmes carrying consciousness-raising signs like “Welcome to the Bitchdom,” “Tits Over Toupees,” “Pussy is God,” “Women Don’t Owe You Shit,” “Sex Work is Work,” and the wordy but highly provocative “More people died from lettuce last year than immigrants!”

And by highly provocative, we of course mean “jaw-droppingly stupid.” Because our research indicates that about a dozen people died from eating E. coli tainted lettuce, while about 5400 Americans were murdered by illegal aliens. There were also about 12,000 sex crimes committed by illegal aliens, compared to none for any salad components. Although a cucumber or two might have been unwillingly victimized.

Fortunately for the marching women, the editorial staff of Buzzfeed kept them from looking like the biggest nincompoops of the weekend by running a wholly unsubstantiated “inside story from the Mueller investigation” attacking Trump (surprise!) which fueled heated impeachment talk from ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, and MSNBC until Mueller himself stepped forward to say that the story was complete and utter “fake news.”
A statement which cheered us up, but was presumably too late to save the grief-stricken cutest dog in the world. Nice going, Buzzfeed.