This is CERTIFIED FAKE NEWS
Tokyo, JAPAN — As the Olympics enters its second week of competition, the United States hasn’t fared as well as predicted. Fans of the red, white, and blue have reason to be optimistic, however. Team USA is the heavy favorite for Gold as this year’s new sport of “Woke Protesting” kicks off. Woke Protesting was added for the 2020 summer games along with Skateboarding, Surfing, Karate, and Sport Climbing.
This exciting sport is a team competition with three sub-events: Anthem Kneeling, Synchronized Slogan Chanting, and Homemade Projectile Throw.
Anthem Kneeling is an individual competition where the competitors are judged on proper form and their Length of Kneel (LoK), minus time penalties such as accidentally looking at their own country’s flag.
The team portion of the event is Synchronized Slogan Chanting, where they must put together a short original slogan then chant it in unison for as long as possible. The slogan must rhyme and oppose capitalism or any perceived oppression. This part of the competition really tests athlete endurance, as chanting can continue for days.
The Homemade Projectile Throw is another individual part of the sport where the competitor must construct a projectile from assorted trash and inexpensive items salvaged from a competition dumpster. Distance and accuracy both factor into the final score, as well as extra points if it can be made to burst into flame on contact with the target – called a “Molotov” bonus.
Many multi-sport athletes from the US Woke Protesting Team are also competing in other events such as women’s soccer and basketball.
USA, France, and the UK are expected to get Gold / Silver / Bronze respectively. Most communist countries lag behind the West in this event, as their strongest competitors in this sport seem to disappear once they gain proficiency.
And let’s not forget such a promising Olympic activity as throwing Mazel Tov Cocktails.
As “projectile throw” is a relatively new sport, our local teams did not have time to be properly uniformed and transported to Tokyo for the Olympiad, but dammit, next Olympics, we’ll be competitive!
Points to note:
Here in Texasiztan, if you shoot at partygoers, they don’t run, they counterattack.
Stoning is still an unregulated amateur sport in the USA, the Middle East teams are professionals.
Amateurs (while inefficient) can accomplish the same goal as professionals.
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