Mrs. Potiphar ‘100% Certain’ it was Kavanaugh

Saving the most damaging testimony for last, People’s Attorney Michael Avenatti has brought forth a fourth Kavanaugh accuser in his bold quest to “bring the facts” before the American people.

Mrs. Potiphar is a woman of ancient Egyptian origin and wife of Potiphar, the highly respected bodyguard of Pharaoh. Mrs. Potiphar tearfully claimed that she is “100% certain” that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her when he was a Hebrew servant employed by her husband.

Holding up a linen cloth that she said Kavanaugh was wearing, Mrs. Potiphar emotionally recalled that her husband, “…hath brought in an Hebrew unto us to mock us; he came in unto me to lie with me, and I cried with a loud voice: And it came to pass, when he heard that I lifted up my voice and cried, that he left his garment with me, and fled, and got him out.”

In a brazen effort to gain points with his alt-right base, Senator Lindsey Graham had the audacity to call Mrs. Potiphar’s courageous testimony into question by pointing out that the garment in question bore the name Joseph son of Jacob and not Brett Kavanaugh. “You knew this!” he raged at the other senators, “and you said nothing about it. Nothing about this exculpatory evidence. If you wanted an FBI investigation, Amenemhat II could have ordered one in 1889 BC!”

Dick Durbin, a US senator and forensic yearbook expert simply smirked before destroying Graham’s objection. “After investigating Mr. Kavanaugh’s sordid past,” said Durbin, “I have obtained a sworn affidavit from a classmate who insists that a friend told him that Kavanaugh signed his yearbook with, and I quote, ‘Joe Cool.’ There’s your Joseph, senator. Case closed.”

Unfazed by the facts, Graham went on to insensitively point out what he called “holes” in Mrs. Potiphar’s story such as her initial inability to remember where the event took place. “Mrs. Potiphar couldn’t remember whether the alleged assault took place in Memphis, or Thebes, or on a royal barge during a sunset cruise on the Nile!”

A visibly and righteously outraged Avenatti shot back, “How dare you question the sincerity of my client! It sickens me that you would use a woman who has clearly suffered some kind of assault for political gain. I hope that you and the rest of those watching will respect Mrs. Potiphar’s privacy and not read Genesis 39:7-12. If we can’t respect personal privacy, if we can’t believe in a presumption of innocence until proven guilty, if we seek to ruin innocent people through unsubstantiated allegations, then what kind of people have we become?” concluded Avenatti, his voice thick with emotion.

However, in spite of the overwhelming evidence implicating Kavanaugh, the committee advanced his nomination after a vote approving him strictly along partisan lines.