By John Green / July 7, 2022 /

Mitt Romney penned an especially inspirational piece in the Atlantic for the 4th of July, in which he itemized our national problems and then blamed us (the people who don’t reside in Washington, D.C.) for them.

Mitt started out his missive with a little criticism of our crop management practices.

We’re told by the Left that we can’t have meat because it’s mean-spirited.  Little did we understand that we’re also supposed to feel guilty about growing water-thirsty crops — which would be all crops.  So meat and plants are out as food.  What does Senator Delecto recommend that we feed the masses with?  Soylent Green?  Will they be serving that in the French Laundry, too?  Is processed human remains best with red or white wine?

Then the good senator moved on to global warming.

As the ice caps melt and record temperatures make the evening news, we figure that buying a Prius and recycling the boxes from our daily Amazon deliveries will suffice.

It turns out the senator owns four homes with an estimated total value of $18 million.  His home in California even has an elevator for his freaking car!  It seems that Mitt’s carbon footprint is just slightly shy of that for the Army’s 1st Armored Division.  But the problem is really our Amazon habit — sure.  (Mitt also mentions that the ever-flatulent cattle and swine contribute to global warming.)

Mitt then touched on inflation.

Was that intended as a mea culpa?  Because it didn’t sound much like a mea culpa.  While he was harping about “progressive politicians,” he failed to mention that he voted in favor of $2.1 trillion in deficit spending during the last two years alone ($900 billion for COVID relief and $1.2 trillion for infrastructure).  So, Mitt, is that all you have to say about squandering our hard-earned money — shame on us?

Mitt is suddenly concerned about the flood of illegals across our southern border as well.

Mitt is a U.S. senator.  If he’s so concerned about the border, he must have a plan — though somehow, I missed it if he does.  Donald Trump recognized the problem and even tried to declare an emergency to fund a wall.  Isn’t it funny that Mitt failed to mention that he voted against Trump’s plan?  I guess it’s a crisis only as long as it isn’t helping The Donald’s political fortunes.  I’m sorry, Mitt — did you say something about principled leadership?

Mitt also gave the January 6 Committee an assist — because…you know…orange man bad.

And when a renowned conservative former federal appellate judge testifies that we are already in a war for our democracy and that January 6, 2021, was a genuine constitutional crisis, MAGA loyalists snicker that he speaks slowly and celebrate that most people weren’t watching.

To be clear, we are snickering, but not at threats to our democracy, which we find to be deadly serious business.  We’re snickering at the predictable crowd of Trump-haters, saying they’ve really got him this time, only to produce no evidence — again.  When Liz Cheney, Adam Kinzinger, Adam Schiff, and Nancy Pelosi make such an effort to beclown themselves, it would be impolite to not snicker at least a little bit.

In reviewing Mitt’s article, I was to the point of exasperation, wondering how even an unprincipled fool could be so clueless.  And then Mitt gave away the joke:

Joe Biden is a genuinely good man, but he has yet been unable to break through our national malady of denial, deceit, and distrust.

He called the guy that invented Borking, tried to cancel freedom of speech, targeted parents as terrorists, threatened states that sought to protect children from sexual grooming, and tacitly condoned an assassination attempt on a Supreme Court justice “a genuinely good man.”  The Romney piece was a satire!  It had to be.  Nobody could be that stupid otherwise.  Could he?  Well done, Mitt, you clever but unprincipled bastard!  You got me, but I’ll still never vote for you.

Question for Utah: seriously?  Is this the best you’ve got?

John Green is a political refugee from Minnesota, now residing in Idaho.  He currently writes at the American Free News Network and The Blue State Conservative.  He can be followed on Facebook or reached at