Our beloved Socialist Democrat party is in for a winning streak! Demographic projections have elucidated that somewhere within the coming 5 years the Mechanized Migrant Divisions will be able to flip some important red states. First we take Austin, then we take Tallahassee. Meanwhile the Airborne Muslim Brigade continues its march through Minnesota. So the good news is that by 2024 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will become the first empress of Mexamerica.
This means that by 2025 we will be able to raise income taxes to 99%. The problem is that the USA (spit, spit) will still be a pretty rich country when we start destroying it. Even our advisors from Cuba, Venezuela and North Korea have no clue how we can distribute that amount of wealth to each according to their needs until nothing is left.
We have sent operatives to the far corners of the earth, looking for someone with sufficient know-how and experience in giving away endless amounts of free stuff. It was no easy task, but we have prevailed. So it is in a spirit of jubilation that I can officially announce the 2024 ticket to be Santa Claus / Ocasio Cortez. No one but Santa with his magical powers will be able to convert all of America’s accumulated capital into toys and freebies for the toiling masses.
Already we are establishing re-education camps where elves will learn all about their white privilege. Santa’s sleigh is being refurbished into a completely carbon-neutral vehicle. The reindeer have been slaughtered to prevent methane-containing flatulence. Regulations are being drafted to force citizens to widen their chimneys, so the government can have unobstructed 24/7 access to the living rooms of its subjects.
Red Santa is rising, comrades. Soon, it will be Christmas all year long. Everyone will be very happy with whatever freebies our dear leader Santa will give us. Forever. And ever. And ever. Ho, Ho, Ho.
Utah Standard News depends on the support of readers like you.
Good Journalism requires time, expertise, passion and money. We know you appreciate the coverage here. Please help us to continue as an alternative news website by becoming a subscriber or making a donation. To learn more about our subscription options or make a donation, click here.
To Advertise on UtahStandardNews.com, please contact us at: email@example.com.