So, I was reclining in my Barcalounger reading the newspaper and listening to the endless doom reports threatening my sanity when I remembered a quote from Charlie Chaplin: “A day without laughter is a day wasted” and realized that I had not heard a laugh in days. So, in the spirit of “laughter is the best medicine”, I’m going to share the secret inner thoughts going on in my stressed-out mind. Don’t plan on this being a regular post but since everything seems to be going to heck, it’s probably better than nothing.
I did manage to catch enough of the news to know that the contents of my retirement portfolio if cashed, will fit neatly inside a ragged sock which we can take with us when we start living under a bridge. Now, there’s nothing I can do to save it but it does seem proper to toot out “Nearer My God to Thee” on my kazoo as it rapidly sinks out of sight.
I really haven’t got a lot of time for this owing to an avalanche of chores which have been stacking up since the Bat Soup hit the fan (someone ate a bat that mated with a pangolin that inadvertently escaped from a biological weapons plant in Wuhan China 2 months ago – Dave B). For one thing, I just had to fill out our census form and it made me wonder: wouldn’t it make more sense to postpone the census until next year and then just count the survivors?
On the home front, I’m about to be enjoying the comforts of self-isolation because, for one reason or another, everyone in the household falls into one high-risk category or another. And not just because I regularly make fun of Hillary Clinton. Maybe this abundance of caution is the wisest course of action, but to us older, independent types, enforced actions like this are abhorrent. Especially when our overlords use our right of self-determination against us.
We’ve got ourselves a pretty nice crisis here, it would be a shame if something happened to it. My advice to the Rahm Emanuel’s of the world is that in these glorious times, never-Trumpers and Dimmocrats keep talking about the pandemic until Trump’s presidency falls on its back and dies like the coronavirus victim that it is.
One casualty that no one seems concerned about was brought to my attention by Philippe Legrain, founder of the Open Political Economy Network (OPEN) who laments in an article for Foreign Policy that “Coronavirus Is Killing Globalization as We Know It”. He said that the spread of COVID-19 “has been a gift to nativist nationalists and protectionists.” Oops.
So, instead of worldwide dictatorship, it looks like we’re headed for a full lockdown as a nation. Every bureaucrat and/or elected official has the potential of becoming a despot. Empowered by “a public health emergency” they are free to issue diktats at will with impunity. The leaders of America’s most progressive cities and states have finally reached the pinnacle of their glory.
The esteemed Mayor Bill de Blasio of New York City has uttered those famous words “This is a case for the nationalization of crucial factories and industries”. I can’t think of a better way to have our government finally take over the means of production of not only hand sanitizer but surgical gloves, masks, ventilators, food production, housing, finance, all manufacturing, energy production, and their total, final elimination. We should get down on one knee and thank him as our glorious days are surely ahead.
And New York’s wonderful, soft-Socialist Governor Andrew Cuomo, shut down all ‘non-essential’ business and was surprised to find himself out of a job. Cuomo declared “‘We Are All in Quarantine’: 100% of NY Work Force Must Stay Home, Cuomo Puts State on Pause. His Executive Order officially mandates the closure of all “non life-sustaining businesses”, to be enforced by police and other authorities, and cited, fined, or closed accordingly. This is in response to his voluntary order issued a week ago not being respected or followed.
And then there’s San Francisco which is now also under mandatory self-quarantine. The “news” said that people are allowed out of their housing only for visits to the grocery store or pharmacy. What about their massive homeless population? How is this quarantine going to affect sidewalk poopin’ vagrants in San Fran… because vagrants poopin’ on city sidewalks is O.K and normalized without exceptions? Where do they self-quarantine? I wonder if they can step outside their tents to move their bowels in the street as is their right?
I hear that the San Francisco City Council is ordering custom made king-sized tents for each homeless person. Once settled, occupants will be asked to remain near the center of their tent to provide adequate lateral distance between neighbors. This way social isolation, greater comfort for the homeless, and continuing jobs for city workers assembling tents and designing more spacious sidewalk layouts can be achieved by a single command from the top! This will be excellent training for those directly involved and a great example of neighborly community service for those watching on CNN, MSLSD, C-SPAN, NBC, CBS, ABC, etc. Efficiency!
Democratic Michigan Rep. Rashida Tlaib Wants US Treasury To Fund Coronavirus Recovery With Universal Basic Income For All, Including Illegals. The proposal, called the “Automatic BOOST to Communities Act,” would require the Treasury to issue two $1 trillion platinum coins to everyone in the U.S. including non-citizens and residents of unincorporated territories or protectorates.
The City of Bellingham, WA Proposes Banning Alcohol Sales, Gun Possession, Transfer, And Sales Amid Coronavirus Panic. They also want to prohibit giving away or selling gasoline in any container other than a gasoline tank properly affixed to a motor vehicle. Now, that’s paying attention to detail. I predict a booming black-market in small suction devices (straws) to be used in sucking gas out of their little cars.
I’d like to self-quarantine myself for the Corona. I could use some help convincing my part-time employer that he needs to pay me full-time, with a raise, while I sit on my couch, and over-time, too. And I’ll need someone to bring me my extra rations of beets.
I’ve heard that the development of the vaccines is imminent…. It will happen any day now, or sometime in about four-to-eight years, whichever comes later.
Meanwhile, do not touch your face or you’ll catch Corona-Virus and die. But if you need to lick your fingers, go right ahead as your saliva cleans off the traces of the Corona Virus and gets every last crumb. Efficiency!
In the video below, failed Presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg shows the proper hand sanitation technique to use when sharing pizza with coworkers.
And here I thought my only treatment choices were between Hindu Mahasabha’s ‘miraculous’ cow dung treatments and Little Kim’s high-speed lead shots.
Thus far, more people have died on the highways in Missouri (according to the spiffy programmable signs) this year than from the Apocalyptic Virus Infestation in the USSA. Deaths from the regular flu rampaging across the USSA dwarf the number of deaths from Covid-19. How come we don’t hear about that? Where was the Shelter In Place Order when the flu killed thousands of us last year? Yawn, no one cared then or cares now.
Can’t we call it something catchy? How about the Wuhan Super Happy Fun Chinese Death Flu? Maybe Jim Acosta will approve of that since it’s Super Happy Fun!
Coronavirus by the numbers via the CDC: 2019 Flu – 22,000 Dead and 36 Million Infected. 2019 Coronavirus – 17,451 Dead and 400,452 Infected
And, it looks like the proles are starting to rebel under the stress of no toilet paper, hand sanitizer, bread, ice cream, eggs, etc. Someone will have to go slap this woman in the face until she snaps out of it before she can start a face touching riot. Don’t forget to use a quarter of a squirt of hand sanitizer for a quarter of a second first.
According to CNN-MSDNC, Huff Po, Nation, KOS, Michael Moore, Nancy Pelosi, and the Communist Party of China, the virus most likely came from the White House. It is now renamed the Trump Virus. The progressives and Chinese communists collectively say that President Trump is responsible not only for the Wuhan Virus but deliberately planting it in Wuhan, China. They also claim that Trump is destroying the economy he painstakingly built over three years, JUST TO GET JOE BIDEN ELECTED!
Of course, the anti-Trumpers lost no time proving that we are indeed not in this together as long as they can still squeeze an ounce of venom from their veins. Because for those suffering from TDS nothing is more important than hating on Trump and all things related to Trump.
I found Obama’s reaction to Ebola in 2014 much more exhilarating. Bringing in 100-150 Africans daily from an affected region where the symptoms are dissolving internal organs and bleeding from all orifices of one’s body is way more exciting than running out of toilet paper.
Meanwhile, I keep wondering why so many Democrats no longer talk about opening our borders?
One network doctor went on a rant and called America “racists” for shutting down its Sanctuary Cities no longer offering free health care to Undocumented Democrats from Jihadistan, Honduras, Guatemala, Mexico, Kenya, Indonesia, and China. When it was pointed out that these Undocumented Democrats speaking Arabic and wielding large kitchen knives threaten our health care system that’s about to collapse trying to treat America’s citizens who are in America lawfully, the doctor hung a necklace of Chinese garlic around her neck.
I think I know who is controlling them like the mindless robots they are. Adam Schiff, a former Democrat congressman for California and now the Minister of Advanced Progressive Mythology, who has a genuine birth certificate, he swears, as well as medical documents certifying he is entirely sane, Schiff dismissed the reporters in the room by bulging his eyes to a frightening size.
Which is a great excuse for taking a brief break from pandemic planning to make a quick observation about the Democrats’ deep bench strength.
In the ironic sense that the Left is so good at, it strikes me that the last two Democrats standing (sort of) are Joe “you’re full of s**t” Biden and Bernie “I’m dealing with a f—ing global crisis” Sanders. These are the Democrats’ torchbearers for “restoring decency, dignity, and honor to the White House?”
Bernie plans to nationalize TP production and was last seen in his Prius heading toward one of Jupiter’s moons.
Joe Biden offered his personal coronavirus prevention tip: always rub hand sanitizer on young girls before sniffing and fondling them. Biden also committed to picking a woman as his running mate as long as she passes his sniff test.
Biden and his advisors were looking for a candidate with sufficient name recognition and the ability to bring down Donald Trump’s presidency by canceling his crowded rallies and reducing his voter base. And the only candidate who checked all those boxes happened to be Coronavirus. “We may differ on some tactics, but our strategic goals and our vision for the country are the same,” Biden told reporters.
Of course, there had been tremendous pressure to choose a woman for that spot. Stacey Abrams, the Governor of Georgia in exile, was rumored to be an obvious choice. Others dropped names like Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama. After all the Democratic Party’s support for women’s marches, not having a woman on the ticket in 2020 would have looked odd.
That hurdle, however, was lifted when scientists declared Coronavirus to be a radical feminist. “Viruses have evolved to hit men hard but go easy on women, and this makes the virus a natural women’s ally,” said Biden’s campaign spokeswoman. “They reproduce just like us, and they care not to hurt the hosts who can reproduce and create more hosts for viruses. In our book, Coronavirus matches the description of a powerful minority woman who can do all the things Stacey Abrams would do, plus much more. Her pronouns are now ‘she’ and ‘her’ and misgendering her should be a hate crime.”
Many progressive women, including Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who used to support Bernie Sanders, have now switched sides in favor of the Biden-Coronavirus presidential bid.
“Let’s be honest,” Ocasio-Cortez said. “We all know how frail Joe is, and that’ll make Coronavirus the virtual leader of the free world for the next four to eight years. I am confident she will solve the Climate Change problem through a drastic reduction in the world’s population, thus bringing our carbon footprint to acceptable levels. It’s the Green New Deal I can believe in.”
Her sentiment was echoed by the renowned climate activist Greta Thunberg. Thunberg told reporters at her home on a school day: “Getting rid of old people who stole my childhood? Cool!”
Cecile Richards, the former head of Planned Parenthood for America, gave Coronavirus a ringing endorsement. “I wanted to see a woman on this ticket who shares Planned Parenthood’s goals and commitments, and Coronavirus makes it an easy choice,” she said.
Coronavirus did not respond to requests for comment.
A comrade has suggested a list of possible campaign songs:
Me And Wuhan Down By The SchoolYard – Simon & Garfunkel
I Am The Virus – Beatles
Wuhan Are You – The Who
I Wanna Hold Wuhan – Beatles
My Corona – The Knack
I saw this video and thought it worth sharing.
BREAKING NEWS: Joe Biden has followed other candidates in withdrawing from the race and endorsed Joe Biden.
Now, Some very good news on guns. We are finally winning the war against guns! Look at this news article:
Gun Sales Surging as Citizens React to Possibility of Civil Unrest over Coronavirus. In other words, guns are the New Toilet Paper. Soon, there will be no guns left in the gun stores and no one will be able to buy one! The guns will be all gone and the libs can declare victory. It should take only a few months, or more…..
The CDC has now said that people over 60 with underlying health issues (and isn’t that ALL of them?) should be avoiding the outside world. And in Italy, a modern Western country which is currently giving us a free look two weeks into our future, anyone over 65 who shows up at a hospital with coronavirus symptoms and an underlying health issue isn’t even assessed or admitted. They are turned away to die… including in the hospital waiting rooms and halls. This isn’t because medical providers in Italy are insensitive or uncaring – it’s because their hospitals are already overwhelmed, so they’re only admitting patients who they might be able to save.
My adult grandchildren are frightened. They have never heard “no” in their social life. Free to go wherever they wanted, eat at whatever place they liked, and now… No, you can’t. I’m serious, they are confused and scared. These same young people who think Bernie has the right idea with all his free stuff, now wonders who is going to give them this ‘free’ stuff if nobody’s working. What good is “free” they say if you can’t get it?
OK, Boomer. Come on, we can do this!
Here’s my synopsis: Once the Wuhan wave recedes, the ripple effects will reach every aspect of life as we know it today, and not necessarily in a good way: “when it finally runs its course, a whole lot of things are going to be very, very different…it’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good.”
The premise is that this pandemic exposes the shortcomings in many arenas, not the least of which is the ongoing battle between the progressive left’s desire to break down every societal tradition and political norm in the pursuit of inexorable “change” and the conservative right’s losing attempt to maintain valid traditions and norms.
I will now channel Captain Obvious: This is totally agenda-driven. Just like Gun Control is not about guns. It is about control.
We will continue to closely monitor the situation and stay in contact with state and local government and health officials to assess this evolving situation including the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and the World Health Organization’s (WHO) guidance for responding to Wuhan Flu™. So far they’ve not recommended anything useful but we will follow their mindless directions regardless.
Be safe out there, folks! And take comfort from the fact that large gatherings of people (like political conventions) are likely to soon fall out of fashion.
DISCLAIMER: As always, I reserve the right to be wrong – and in this case, I hope I am!
Stay isolated, and remember…Who controls the remote control, controls the future!
So this is how it ends…down to my last square of TP…<gasp>
PS: A reminder for the back of the class – Eat with the right hand, wipe with the left hand.
On a less comical note, we’d like to call your attention to a valuable resource from a singularly good source of information we’ve been paying attention to: the Peak Prosperity Home Lockdown Survival Guide.
Note that to read the whole report (which contains many useful links) you need to sign up for an account, but it’s easy-peasy and doesn’t cost anything. Or if you prefer to get your information in an audio/video way, here’s an overall review of the survival guide from Peak Prosperity’s excellent Youtube channel:
COMING NEXT WEEK: A special Military Edition documenting the Navy’s struggle against Covid-19 AND the 10 most exciting opportunities of other countries to invade now that the Afghanistan war is ending soon, or one to three years from now…. probably later.
SPECIAL THANKS to my komrads for their inspiration and contributions to this compilation:
Utah Standard News depends on the support of readers like you.
Good Journalism requires time, expertise, passion and money. We know you appreciate the coverage here. Please help us to continue as an alternative news website by becoming a subscriber or making a donation. To learn more about our subscription options or make a donation, click here.
To Advertise on UtahStandardNews.com, please contact us at: firstname.lastname@example.org.