Houston is Saved!

Phew! It has been a busy day, but worth it. Thanks to me, Houston is now saved and everything is A-Okay.

I knew that I had to do something for all these poor people who are getting flooded out, so this morning when I was waiting in line for my free-range chai latte with soy and bran muffin made with fair trade canasta grain, I made sure that everybody at the coffee shop knew that Hurricane Harvey was a direct result of that moron Trump pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord.

Some guy tried to argue with me, but I called him a fascist and that shut HIM up.

After breakfast I hooked up with K-dogg and Sunshine and Fashie-Bashie and we all went down to the park and raised awareness by chanting “Hey-HEY! Ho-HO! Trump’s Hurricane has got to GO!” for about half an hour before we got bored. I think this one kid over in the sand box was a fascist because he kept ignoring us and playing with a bucket and giggling, but Sunshine stomped on his bucket and broke it while we ran away.

Who’s laughing now, you Little Hitler?

We went to MacDonald’s for lunch (even though they are like THE avatar for corporate oppression) because they have free WiFi and I re-tweeted a bunch of stuff about how stupid that Hungarian slut Trump married is for wearing high heels when she left the White House to fly down to Texas and get her picture taken like she cares about anybody but herself.

Then I saw this thing on Facebook where Linda Sarsour is calling for people to donate to this really cool Hurricane Relief Fund that will help out the people in Houston. It’s called the Texas Organizing Project, and they’re going to hold rallies and protests about how unfair Trump is DOWN IN TEXAS! Right in the middle of the floods! This is really important, because a lot of the people down there are not aware that most of the money the Republicans will put into Houston is going to go to rich white people and corporate fat cats. They need somebody down there to hold up signs denouncing FEMA racism!

I posted her link on my Facebook Wall and tweeted the link to like everybody. I even started telling people in MacDonald’s about it, but the manager made us leave after I slapped a cup of coffee out some bitch’s hand for ignoring me. She made like she was going to hit me with her cane and I was going to mace her, but the place was full of a bunch of guys that looked storm troopers, so we left.

We went over to Fashie-Bashie’s place and his mom had some two-tone ribbon that was blue on one side and brown on the other, and Sunshine said it looked like flood water with mud in it, so we made up a batch of Hurricane Flood Awareness Ribbons to show that we’re solid with the people down in Houston. We got your backs, guys, and we’re thinking about how tough it must be and how unfair it is and we really feel bad about it. We know Trump didn’t show enough empathy for you. They said so on CNN. Well, we got that covered!

We made like thirty ribbons and we got all our friends to put them on and took a picture of us all wearing them. We posted it on Facebook. There’s one really cool picture of K-dogg wearing a ribbon on his hoodie and holding a sign that says “#Floods Suck” and me standing next to him with TWO ribbons and a sign that says “#Climate Change Deniers Fault!”

We felt so good about the ribbons that we all wore them down to the Cineplex and bought tickets for “An Inconvenient Sequel.” Normally we would have sneaked in as a way to stick it to the corporate fascists who run the theater, but this was different because the tickets sales are going to a good cause. We probably would have got caught anyway since we were the only people in the theater going to that movie. Anyway, it was really eerie the way Gore predicted this exact thing was going to happen. It made us think about ways we can be aware of climate change.

After I got home I went out into the back yard and I cried for a while about how mean all the rich white people are for hurting the Earth so bad that it has to strike back like a wounded animal. I mean, look, I’m white, but I know how bad white people are and I try to make up for it. I tell people they should recycle. I tell people they should use less gas and less electricity. I tell people how bad they are and point out all the lies that Nazis like Trump are telling them.

Before I went in to go to bed I laid down on the lawn and I gave Mother Gaia a great big hug and told her how sorry I was for all of the bad things that other people were doing to her.

And you know what? I felt Mother Gaia hug me back. Just a little.

So everything is gonna be okay, Houston.

You’re welcome.