Comrades,

It’s that wonderful time of year when young people get back to college to be indoctrinated educated! I thought this might be a good time to compile a People’s Cube Guide to College for both freshmenpersons and those upperclassmenpersons, (oh wait, sorry for the microaggression because there are no upper or lower classes in the Glorious World of Next Tuesday™) who might have forgotten and need to be reeducated…

1. Essays/Papers. The People’s Cube is a good source to get the korrekt perspective for all essays. Essays that in any way deal with political philosophy should reflect the ideals of the Party™ to which most of your professors belong. The 0.000000000001% who don’t will never be given tenure and will be sent to a reeducation camp or a gulag (but then, what difference at this point does it make?™) anyway. So, the best bet is for all papers is to reflect the Current Truth™ as described here.

As an aside, when I was a freshperson, I had a hisherstory paper to write about glorious Karl Marx’s rant ideas. We had to rate it on a scale of 1 to 10. Being a rebellious sort at the time, I only gave it a 4. Well, my grade suffered immensely. In the my second semester, I had a professor who was very vocal about being a disciple of Karl Marx. Even though this happy gulag didn’t exist at the time, I made sure all my papers were written as if they were People’s Cube postings toned down just a bit. I received the utmost respect from that glorious prog professor and naturally she blessed me with a very good grade. See that? Proof that if your papers are written according to how you would post on the People’s Cube, you can and will be rewarded with glorious grades from Commie professors who are too stupid to see through it.

2. 2016 Election. Yes, Comrades, you might have been a Bernie supporter this spring. But the Current Truth™ has been korrekted and you must now vote for glorious Hillary. And if you don’t, even if you vote for Comrade Jill Stein, your failure to vote for Hillary means you hate womyn.

3. Donald Trump. The very name Trump is intolerable. Hearing the word is pain. It requires a safe space. Chalking his name is dangerous speech that cannot be allowed. As soon as I finish this piece, I will retreat into my safe space funded by the people which includes cookies, milk, coloring books, and pictures of puppies. I’m surprised there are no kitten pictures but apparently most safe spaces don’t have them. No baby squirrels either. Comrade Captain Craptek would be right to consider this oversight a microaggession and thus a need for reparations.

4. Climate Change. This is a very serious problem and all new construction, use of personal cars, private jets, or any other form of non-mass transportation must stop. Most importantly, Donald Trump flying around on his private jet to steal the election from Hillary is making the earth warmer. Why? It creates carbon and carbon is making the planet get warmer. Seriously, breathe less too because this is causing carbon dioxide to be emitted. By the same token, what does NOT cause global warming? New buildings on college campuses. Ripping down mature native trees on college campuses for a new building and replacing them with scrawny ornamental trees that need to be tied down. Running fancy fountains on college campuses. Heating and cooling college buildings. All the traffic caused by the scores of administrative college employees and professors of vitally important subjects like Pansexual Nonbinary Gender Pronoun Studies which awards degrees at all levels including PhDs. Private jets for climate change profiteers spokespeople. Private jets for Dear Leader and Hillary to campaign do not cause global warming either.

5. Protest. Protest is more important than studying. The most important duty of a college student is to protest an injustice. Find something. Create an excuse to protest if you can’t find anything. But seriously, there are ALWAYS microaggressions if you just look hard enough. There is always speech that is hurtful and requires a safe space if you just look for it or invent a reason.

6. Salaries of college employees. Salaries for anyone in the private sector above poverty levels create income inequality and are therefore wrong. Salaries for college staff, especially executives at state colleges who make more than their state’s governor, do not create unfair income inequality. Remember, by virtue of working at the college, these people are naturally THE best and deserve to be paid as much as possible. Rewarding progs does not add to income inequality.

7. Gender pronouns. Remember, it is about the comfort of the person and not the ease of communicating. So, you might have to remember 500 different gender pronouns. So what? It is important that people get called what they want to be called. Every college should have a department to identify gender pronouns and post them around campus. If your campus doesn’t have one and you can’t think of something else to protest, well, there you go.

So, comrades, what can you add to this handy Guide to Going Back to College?

This article is republished with permission from our friend Oleg Atbashian at The People’s Cube.