Friday's Just for Fun. 5/28/21 - Utah Standard News

The Great White Nope

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Joe Biden is determined to ”Make America Greater” than the bad orange man did by hawking his “American Rescue Plan” that will redistribute billions of Covid funds to “socially disadvantaged” people which he defines as anyone who isn’t white. The plan is called “No Cash For Caucasians” and has nothing to do with being homeless, jobless, poor, or uneducated. “Instant victim” status has already been granted to Hispanics, Native Americans, Alaskan Natives, Blacks, and Pacific Islanders.

A lawsuit has been filed by a white farmer who is overwhelmed by debt and has spina bifida and two prosthetic legs and struggles to milk 70 cows a day by hand and was denied assistance because of his skin pigment. The farmer was also denied funds from Biden’s $100 billion “Justice For Black Farmers Act” which grants black farmers loans for farm equipment, a home mortgage, 160 acres, and free schooling on how to grow a tomato.

The white farmer’s lawsuit is based on one small illegal technicality hidden deep, deep, and even deeper in the Constitution that prohibits overt racism by government agencies. Oops.

The Not-So-Great Escape

Well, it’s been over a year since the first reports of COVID-19 being a man-made pandemic emerged. Even the Communist News Network (CNN) has started running the story despite the thousands of headline like “Chinese Continue To Deny That Genetically Modified Bat Virus Found In Wuhan Came From Wuhan Institute of Genetically Modifying Bat Viruses.”

Nicholas Wade, a science writer, wrote about it in great detail here. Wade concludes that it’s possible (barely) that the virus had a natural origin, the much greater likelihood is that SARS-CoV-2 escaped from the Wuhan Institute of Virology after they deliberately enhanced the virus’s ability to infect human beings.

Evidence has surfaced that Wuhan lab technicians working with deadly new diseases fell ill and some died just days before the SARS-CoV-2 magically appeared near the lab. They were sent home or to hospitals.

After 3 million dead, unprecedented social upheaval, trillions in damages, and a Chinese info blackout, Anthony Fauci still finds it worthy to send millions of American tax dollars so the unsecured lab can keep on playing God and continue to create nightmarish pathogens.

The good news is that SARS is way less lethal than some of the Frankenstein viruses that could have escaped…. And still may…… probably will.

George Floyd’s Life Still Matters

The U.S. State Department encouraged our embassies to fly “Black Lives Matter” flags on May 25th to mark the one year anniversary of George Floyd’s death. If they didn’t have a BLM flag to fly, it was okay to ignite a normal American flag on fire and torch the embassy.

George Floyd, patron saint of fentanyl, celebrated 365 consecutive drug-free days. Activists responded to his newfound sobriety by looting and committing arson across the country.

His previous personal record for sobriety is believed to be in 2014, when Mr. Floyd finished his most recent stint in prison. Saint George served time for Aggravated Robbery when he pointed a pointed a gun at a pregnant woman’s stomach during a home invasion.

In addition to his newfound commitment to his health and well-being, Mr. Floyd is also approaching a personal record for longest time avoiding arrest.

Meanwhile, in Chicago, peaceful gunfire erupted in the George Floyd autonomous zone on the anniversary of his death. “At least one person was injured in the gunfire but said that he was feeling much better since it was a mostly peaceful bullet that was lodged into his chest.”

Someone yelled “Get down, Get down” when the gunfire started but someone else yelled “No, don’t get down. Those are mostly peaceful gunshots”

Also in Chicago, The Pentagon confirmed there have been sightings of aliens in and around the Chicago area. The aliens appear with big heads and bug eyes with fish mouths and appear to only want to speak to their kind.

Many Chicago residents are scared to walk out of the house for fear of running into one of these hideous beasts with crazy hair and to be “gobbled up with their bulging eyes and suction-cup mouths.”

Strong Woman

The military is being purged of “extremists” by a radical Bishop who says that anyone who voted for Trump (at least 75 million of us) fits the bill. Instead of removing the patriots from the military, wouldn’t It would be easier to cancel the entire military? That seems to be the real plan.

The Pentagon was widely mocked for wasting tax dollars on this animated recruitment video that was quickly withdrawn. The video called for woman who are as strong as the the two lesbian mothers who raised them. Really.

Guard Dooty

Two prison guards on suicide watch, watching over Jeffery Epstein, were actually watching porn, sleeping, and playing on computers, struck a plea deal for falsifying legal documents. They were given 100 hours of community service which will probably be spent watching porn, sleeping, and playing on computers, and then falsifying a statement that they were picking up litter next to highways.

Most believe that Epstein died because some high-ranking perverts funded a murder-for-hire scheam because he had dirt on them. Is it really possible that a high-level conspiracy has the power to snuff out a man’s life AND have their stooges escape the legal consequences of their actions AND put up a likely impenetrable barrier to the investigation of wealthy and powerful pedophiles and human traffickers?

The Workers of the World are Uniting

Our future leaders of tomorrow have now launched a communist club at Columbia University to redistribute the ill-gotten gains of their parents to the world! Communism is no longer oppressive, it’s FUN!

From the squalid slums of capitalist misery some of these poor downtrodden working classes will inspire the masses. They will set the world on fire with their brilliance. They will grow up to be the vanguard of the party.

The club promises to ensure equal representation that “looks like Amerika” in racial, gender, species, age, disability, and sexual preferences of members (while properly excluding white christian hetero-cis-males). Dues will be collected every month by Mastercard, Visa, Bitcoin and beet ration cards.

In July 2020 on the “Columbia Confessions” Facebook page, one student noted: “I can’t take columbia communists seriously (to anyone who says there are no communists on this campus has not met the large raving group of them). You literally chose to go to a university which is over 400% the price of most state schools for the prestige and prestige only.”

“…For people who claim to want to completely redistribute all wealth, you chose a place that exasperates the wealth disparity you want to destroy. … It’s only cool to say you’re a communist but when it comes to actual practice, there’s legit no action.”

Today’s college students are a sorry bunch of downtrodden proles indeed. I heard there was a line at the rock climbing wall yesterday, and the campus Starbucks was all out of Chocolatte earlier this week.

Speaking of Communism, Netflix is releasing a new film staring democratic socialists Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called 50 Shades of Communism. “The man who never worked. The woman who never thinks.” It’s bound to be a blockbuster! You won’t have bread, but you’ll have steamy entertainment!

Has there ever been as perfect a headline as this?

SHOVELS FLY AT SIBERIA’S ANNUAL SPEED GRAVE-DIGGING CONTEST

I marvel at the genius that put Siberia and grave digging together and turned it into a sporting event. How long until grave digging is an Olympic event? I was especially delighted to learn that the purpose of the event is to get young Komrads interested in the ever expanding field of grave digging. Of course, soon enough the “choice” thing will not exist and young party members will become whatever the Party dictates to them.

I’m certain that this “sport” will evolve. Soon the competition will be around the clock all year long. I bet the “prize” regresses from cash (spit spit) to a former state of this “sport”. The prize for digging a grave the fastest is that you aren’t the one to go in it AND you then get to proceed to the next round. It will be sort of an elimination round every round.

According to Kolyma Stories by Varlam Shalamov, the diesel earth mover machines are only fired up to bury the bodies of useless shovel diggers no longer able to shovel their assigned trench distance.

Will there be different categories of competition, e.g., single, double, and mass graves?

Do these record breaking grave digging teams know that their record grave digging timings are setting a ‘normal’ quota to be increased for the record? Remember to bring a sturdy shovel to the rail yard just in case you are selected to participate in this elite sport!