EU leaders congratulated themselves today with enacting harsher immigration and refugee laws that, after many years of political and social turmoil, will finally allow them to save unique European culture by deporting all Americans living in Europe back to their homeland.

Problems for Europe first began over a decade ago, when many Americans, dissatisfied with conditions in their own country, sought a better life in Europe. What began as a trickle slowly turned into a flood, with American migrants creating their own enclaves in many European cities, where Americans only spoke their native language and practiced American customs.

Commonly known as “Little Texas,” these enclaves became notorious “no go” zones, where armed militias enforced American laws and prevented local police from entering their turf. This allowed the spreading of ominous activities, such as, holding barbecue parties, playing American music, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, operating 19HP John Deere riding lawnmowers, shooting illegal 4th-of-July fireworks, or driving around in pickup trucks while listening to hate speech on talk radio.

Despite expectations that at least the second- or third-generation Americans would integrate into European society, this did not take place. The proliferation of Costco, Wal-Mart, and country music did not help matters either. Unusual American garb like cowboy boots and ten-gallon hats, combined with their penchant for guns and barbeque sauce, alienated many in sophisticated European capitals. The construction of Texas-style mega-churches was seen by many as an affront to their secular lifestyles.

Otherwise tolerant Europeans felt the need to take swift action after a string of bombings and gun attacks by Americans across Europe. In Paris, a group of refugees from California shot and killed all the editors of a local humor magazine whose cartoons denigrated Hollywood and portrayed Charlie Sheen in a “blasphemous” way. A month later, four asylum seekers from Texas stormed a Parisian theater, massacring concert goers in the name of Jerry Falwell. In Brussels, a family of tourists from Iowa blew up a section of the local airport, angered that they couldn’t find a single Chic-fil-A restaurant.

At the same time, unruly gangs of American youths were often seen beatings and raping European women and men for not wearing blue jeans, or failing to name Thomas Edison as the inventor of the light bulb. No one was safe in American-controlled areas unless their apparel was clearly labeled as Levi’s, Calvin Klein, Abercrombie & Finch, or another major American brand.

After a series of especially gruesome attacks throughout Sweden, Germany, and even Turkey, Europeans were left with no other choice than to adopt a new set of harsh immigration laws that would allow them to expel all of the American refugees and asylum seekers in their entirety back to their native country.

President of the European Commission, Jean-Claude Juncker, opened today’s deportation ceremony with an official statement that was applauded by all European leaders gathered in Brussels.

“If Europe is to survive as a civilization, we must stop welcoming those groups of immigrants who are hostile to our ways, our culture, and our laws. There is a reason why refugees are running to us and not the other way around. The very fact that they are seeking a better life in Europe is proof that our way of life is better than the one from which they ran. They must acknowledge this fact and learn our ways instead of demanding that we learn theirs.” said Jean-Claude Juncker.

“Running from one horrible place only to recreate the same horrible conditions in another place doesn’t make sense,” he continued. “The only way this behavior makes sense is if they see themselves as conquerors and colonizers. We should respond accordingly. We should stop calling them refugees and start calling them conquerors, foreign implants, ingrates, and charlatans, who should all go back from whence they came.”

The President of the European Commission then concluded his remarks by saying, “And so, it is with great relief and with unanimous approval of all European delegates that we now begin the deportation of all Americans back to the United States where they belong.”

Special reporting by General Secretary and Red Square

This article is republished with permission from our friend Oleg Atbashian at The People’s Cube.