This article is republished with permission from our friend Oleg Atbashian at The People’s Cube.

EPA to shut down National Parks for emissions violations


Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt

11/10/2015, 9:52 pm

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In a stunning move that’s sure to upset outdoor enthusiasts all over the nation, the Environmental Protection Agency is proposing to shut down the National Parks Service for “egregious and gross violations of air, water, and health standards” in all areas managed by the agency.


EPA claims bison are a major contributor to air quality issues

Following an extensive study, the EPA has concluded that the NPS is among the worst polluters in the nation and, in the interests of national security and preservation of the environment, has determined that all NPS managed land should be confiscated and sold off to cover expenses and what is certain to be excessive fines.

“In the interests of conserving the natural beauty of this nation for The Children™ and The People™, we feel that the best course to pursue is to remove all National Parks from the management of the National Parks Service which has proven to be completely incompetent,” an anonymous source revealed to TPC. “It’s a similar philosophy to removing children from incompetent parents.”

An anonymous source at the NPS said that the conclusions reached are grossly unfair and that much of the air quality issues were the result of nearby coal fire power generation plants.

EPA countered that this was absurd as there are no power plants on any NPS managed land.

In addition, EPA cited:

Poorly maintained volcanoes…

Completely unsanitary sewage management facilities…


Unrestrained discharges into waterways and the ocean…


Noise pollution…


And light pollution.


“It’s clear that the NPS can no longer be trusted to manage these national treasures and it will be best for all involved to restrict the NPS to management of monuments in Washington DC only, where the pollution will be less noticeable” our source stated.




11/10/2015, 9:55 pm

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It’s about time!



Comrade Abrakham Linkol’n

11/11/2015, 11:04 am

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Comrades, the National Park Service must also change the names of these places of pollution.

The “Great Smokey Mountains National Park” should now become “The Great Mostly Hazed But Sometimes Kinda Heavy Non-Smokey Former National Park Before The Politically Correct Crowd And The Jungle Rules Groups Started Taking Over Universities Which Have Become The New Places Of Enjoyment and Enlightenment”.

Any issues let me know. My orders have already burned down that place once.

Long live the revolution and long live FDR.

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