EMBED BUGS

The whole question of whether Donald Trump and his team were wiretapped (and the Obama team’s denial of same) has just been upended by the latest release of secret documents from Wikileaks.

The whole “Russian hacking” story has been rendered moot by the revelation that the CIA has a program called UMBRAGE which not only allows them to hack computers, but to make it look like the hacking was done by someone else. Like, oh, Russia. Meaning there’s no definitive evidence that the real Russia hacked DNC emails at all.

It also turns out that “wiretapping” is soooooooooo last century (which is perhaps why Obama’s spokespersons are happy to specifically deny wiretapping) and that the CIA (among others) has the cyber tools to spy on anyone without any need for tapping wires, bugging phones, or planting microphones.

Basically, the intelligence spooks have the technological capability of remotely activating pretty much every phone, smartphone, computer, or smart TV in your home, car, or workplace without you knowing it (and without showing that the device is on) – allowing them to spy using the cameras and microphones you’ve already surrounded yourself with.

At this very moment, without leaving our office chair, we easily located five video cameras and six microphones (actually fourteen if you count all eight in our Amazon Echo) just waiting to transmit our every utterance to the intelligence overlords in Washington.

Of course, you might say “I have nothing to hide – what do I have to worry about?” We’ll be happy to tell you (and thanks for asking). It seems that due to some little “oopsy,” the CIA’s entire arsenal of cyber-spying tools has gotten into the hands of our nation’s enemies and criminal hackers.

Thanks to the “embed bugs” surrounding us, no one is safe from stealth surveillance except the Amish. Which is why if you don’t make a regular practice of raising barns, you should be raising hell.

Menstrual Show

Well, here we go again. Progressives have announced that March 8th is “A Day Without A Woman,” a massive protest about women’s sacred right to be really angry about something or other, approximately one month after their last massive protest about the same thing. Which suggests that hormones may be involved in the timing, although no man without a death wish is going to say so out loud.

The idea, and we use the term loosely, is to make men (those brutish, testosterone-filled bastards) appreciate women more by making them utterly useless for an entire day. Women are being encouraged to not work (either professionally or in the home), to participate in “pussy hat” marches (with labial flap earmuffs in colder climates), and to “avoid shopping” – which strikes us as ugly and unacceptably sexist behavioral stereotyping.

In fairness, because the “no shopping” rule would be impossible to stick to for 24 consecutive hours, exceptions are being made for the fightin’ fems to shop at businesses owned by women or (ahem) persons of color. So social justice warriors can still buy anything on the shopping list from Uncle Ben or Aunt Jemima.

Of course, progressive men (not that we mean to be gender normative, especially when it comes to progressives) are encouraged to participate by “helping with caregiving and domestic chores” for the day. Really?! Frankly, any guys who aren’t already helping with caregiving and domestic chores every day aren’t men at all – they’re just assholes.

So, will the fabric of America be torn asunder by today’s protests and, if so, who will do the sewing afterwards? A tough question which we definitely won’t voice during the big “I Shouldn’t Have To Tell You What You Did Wrong” women’s march approximately 28 days from now.