And the brain was from, uh, “Abby” someone.

With rumors already flying about Hillary Clinton’s health, people are puzzling over the latest reports that the candidate is taking 96 hours off from campaigning with early voting only weeks away. Is it possible that she needs immediate medical attention – likely for procedures not approved by Obamacare or most major religions?

According to unnamed sources (and frankly, we think it’s sad when parents fail to name their children), she’s currently being stuffed with youthful organs harvested from kidnapped Bernie supporters, shot up with prenatal stem cells, getting a new Die Hard battery for her defibrillator vest, having her wandering eyeballs realigned, being fitted for a new designer colostomy bag, and getting her vocal cords sharpened.

Hillary is also said to be subsisting on an intravenous drip of rye whiskey mixed with orphan’s tears, but as far as we know there’s no medical reason behind it – she just really likes orphan’s tears.
This article is republished with permission from our friend Stilton Jarlsberg at Hope n’Change