Stilton's Place

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

2018 – The Year in Review (Part Two)

Happy New Year! Before resuming our autopsy of 2018, we pause for a moment of fresh news:

Democratic Socialist Elizabeth Warren has announced the formation of an exploratory committee to test the waters for a 2020 presidential run. In response, the ever-subtle Donald Trump tweeted that “you’d have to ask her psychiatrist” if she really thinks she could win. Which reminded us of an old joke…

Elizabeth Warren went to the psychiatrist and said, “Ever since I decided to run for president, I’ve been having weird dreams. One night I dream I’m a tepee, and the next night I dream I’m a wigwam! And that’s how it goes, night after night – tepee, wigwam, tepee, wigwam…”
“The problem,” the psychiatrist interrupts, “is that you’re two tents.”

And now, back to 2018 and…

JULY

Even when we created the cartoon above, we had no idea how low the Democrats would actually go in disparaging the character of Brett Kavanaugh. This distinguished jurist with a nearly saintly resume would eventually be accused of being a drug-dispensing mastermind of gang rapes.

Oddly (but not unsuccessfully), the Democrats took this appallingly low road in hopes of making themselves more appealing to Progressive midterm voters…

Democrats and media outlets (but we repeat ourselves) began predicting an enormous “blue wave” in the midterm elections owing to the fact that the United States had fallen under Russian control, Trump was emptying dump trucks of weeping immigrant children into concentration camps, rising employment numbers were declared to be a meaningless statistical trick, and Western civilization was on the verge of collapse owing to the President’s suggestion that NATO members start paying their dues.

For Progressives, these were powerful messages. And all the more so when they were echoed by their living god in…

AUGUST

Barack Obama made a series of campaign appearances in which he didn’t so much promise that Democrats would do a good job if elected, but rather spent most of his time trying to take credit for Donald Trump’s long list of successes. Predictably, the self-absorbed sonofagun also worked “I,” “me,” and “mine” into his speeches so frequently that there was no time left for any other words.

Unsurprisingly, the majority of candidates Barry campaigned for got their rear ends handed to them. Proof that when it comes to political expertise, Democrats should stick with those who really know how to work the system…

Okay, the Clintons probably didn’t really say that. Mostly because there’s no need to say out loud that which is already tacitly understood.

Which is why they would never have faced what Trump did in…

SEPTEMBER

Porn princess Stormy “Campbell’s Cream of Mens Room” Daniels recaptured the hearts and minds of feminists, First Amendment advocates, and liberal news outlets by describing the President’s fiddly bits in graphic detail. This was a very important story because, frankly, any story that doesn’t involve sex can’t hold the attention of a Progressive for more than about 10 seconds.

A truism clearly illustrated by the ongoing torture of the yet-unconfirmed Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh…

Dr. Christine Blasey Ford became the primary witness against alleged serial rapist Brett Kavanaugh, tearfully testifying that at a time and place she couldn’t actually remember (but was decades ago), the future jurist had drunkenly pushed her onto a bed and pawed briefly at her clothing. Ford named four witnesses, all of whom swore to the FBI (under penalty of law) that they had no idea what the hell Ford was talking about.

Still, Democrats on Kavanaugh’s hearing committee praised the nearly-amnesiac Ford for her courageous testimony, which she made with no hope of personal gain beyond the $600,000 in GoFundMe donations she received for her histrionic performance. She presumably was also able to sell film rights to her dramatic story, “I Might Have Been Felt Up.”

In order to give the FBI time to somehow investigate this story with no dates, places, or witnesses, voting on Kavanaugh’s appointment was delayed until…

OCTOBER

Kavanaugh survived the nightmarish hearings, but every Democrat voted against him. Progressive voters were predictably (and deliberately) fired up to vote against the party of “Rapey McRapeface” in the midterms.

It was definitely time to take sex out of the news and get back to the discussion of important, substantive political issues…

A judge ruled against Stormy “Now Try to Clap” Daniels’ anti-defamation suit against Donald Trump, and ordered her to pay him over $300,000 in restitution. Which is a lot of money, even for an experienced restitute.

And she wasn’t the only one being featured in news stories about money…

Still working the campaign trail, Barack Obama’s pants burst into Benghazi-level flames when, regarding Trump’s astounding economic achievements, he said, “When you hear this talk about economic miracles, remember who started it!

Well, it sure as Shinola wasn’t Barry. Although maybe his claim caused some investors to have doubts about whether an “Obama recovery” would last. By pure coincidence, the stock market suddenly began a fourth quarter nosedive which would eventually make 2018 a disastrous year for investors. And not a great year for America, either, as we found out in…

NOVEMBER

The mid-term elections were finally held, and while the much-heralded “blue wave” didn’t materialize, Democrats still won back the House of Representatives. This virtually assures gridlock, specious lawsuits and investigations, and garden variety nonsense for the next two years thanks to a fresh crop of idiots…

Democrat Socialist Representative-elect Alexandria “Way Too Much Caffeine” Ocasio-Cortez was dismayed during early orientation in Washington because people kept assuming that she was a young, clueless intern instead of a young, clueless member of Congress.

Cortez, a darling of the social media Left, proved to be an unending source of hilarious (albeit terrifying) quotes, declaring that she would be “inaugurated” into her new job, that she believed that she’d soon have the power to sign bills into law, and thought she could subpoena anyone who dared mock her on Twitter. All of which made her more “fascist” than “fast learner.”

Not that fast learners were in abundance, even in university settings…

Detroit’s Oakland University announced a new policy of passing out hockey pucks to faculty and student government leaders to throw at active shooters should such an event break out. This wouldn’t prevent a tragedy, of course, but might at least provide a bit of comic relief during an otherwise grim situation.

And “grim situation” wasn’t a bad descriptor of…

DECEMBER

The Wall Street debacle continued, powered by the Fed raising interest rates and ongoing media claims that the Mueller “investigation” would be dropping an impeachable bomb on Donald Trump at any moment.

Not that Trump cared. Rather, he was pressing ahead with the nation’s business – including crucial budget negotiations which would provide for secure borders. Not that everyone saw eye to eye with him on this issue…

With the year drawing to a close, Trump and the Democrats agreed that they’d rather see a partial government shutdown than back down from their respective positions on funding a border wall. But fortunately, there was distraction from the existential nightmare of the government giving paid time off to “non-essential employees” thanks to a jolly old elf…

In a poll (not to be confused with a North Pole), 27% of respondents declared that they’d prefer Santa Claus to be female or gender neutral, rather than a despicable old white man. This despite the fact that the actual Saint Nicholas was an old white man who, presumably, believed that his generosity to others didn’t have to go to extremes like submitting to castration. Because seriously, what fun is Christmas once you’ve lost your sugar plums?

Which thankfully brings us to the end of 2018, a year which richly deserves the shallow, unmarked, backwoods grave into which we’ve hastily lowered it, and brings us to 2019 – which stretches out before us like a vast, untrodden mine field.

We look forward to sharing and surviving it with you!

Posted byStilton Jarlsbergat12:01 AM