I’ll Have What Nan’s Having


Ivan Betinov
This article is republished with permission from our friend Oleg Atbashian at The People’s Cube.2/6/2019, 12:39 am

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I just got done watching the Bad Orange Man make a mockery of Social Justice with a pack of lies the Republicans laughingly call the State of the Union Address. Don’t jump to conclusions, now! I did NOT watch this speech to listen to anything Bad Orange Man had to say. I watched it see what the most powerful woman in America, the beautiful and talented Nancy Pelosi, approves and disapproves.

I was really careful to watch what Auntie Nan applauded and what she did not. I also noted when she appeared to be reading something and was not paying attention, but that didn’t really tell me what she thought about things and stuff. Since Nan is so much smarter than us and knows what’s good for us, I think it is a good thing to follow her lead in hating things and loving things.

Nan hates African Americans, Latinos, and Asian having jobs. These sort of people should not have jobs, at least so it seems from Nan’s complete lack of enthusiasm when the record low unemployment numbers were spoken. She did not clap any at all at this news, so it must be a bad thing. Handicapped people shouldn’t have jobs either, for the same reason. Bad Orange Man was very bad to talk about these people having more jobs.

Nan also hates it when people get off food stamps. Being dependent on the government to put food on your table is a good thing and getting people able to feed themselves is bad. It is also bad to lower taxes, because that would mean less money to spend on keeping people on food stamps. Nan did not clap for people getting off food stamps.

Nan hates America producing so much energy that it exports it. I think this may have something to do with her hating African Americans and Latinos and Asians getting jobs, but I’m not sure about that. It may be that she hates American winning. She didn’t clap for that, either. Of course, it doesn’t really matter if I understand why it is bad. It is enough the Nan hates it for me to hate it, too.

Nan is dead set against confirming nominations. Instead of either an up vote or a down vote, she doesn’t want to have any votes. Nominations are bad, and confirming them is worse.

Nan hates the idea of reforming the Veteran’s Administration. This could be because she hates anyone who says a government healthcare program is not running at tip-top efficiency and providing top-notch service. It could also be because she thinks soldiers are icky and don’t deserve good health care. Either way, I’m with Nan. So what if a veteran has to wait a couple of years to get a CAT scan? They always talk about how tough soldiers are, right? They can take it!

Nan really hates the idea of border security and legal immigration. She is so generous and loving, isn’t she? On the other hand, she really likes drug dealers, coyotes, and human traffickers, because she didn’t clap once when Bad Orange Man said they were bad people. She hates any kind of border wall because it would be a waste of taxpayer money: she already has a wall around her house, so we don’t need another one.

Nan hates other countries paying their share of NATO bills. If those countries have to pay for guns and tanks and planes and soldiers, how will they have enough money to feed and house and entertain the people who are flooding into Europe from other places? (She really hates legal immigration, doesn’t she?) In the same way, she hates the idea of charging tariffs based on what other countries charge us. That’s just not fair. She didn’t clap for any of these things.

But just in case you think Nan only hates stuff, she also sat silent on some other things that Bad Orange Man said that proves she does love some stuff.

Nan loves killing babies that have just been born. When Bad Orange Man talked bad about New York and Virginia passing or trying to pass laws that protect babies that are about to be born, or babies that got born anyway, she looked mad. She didn’t clap even a little bit.

Nan also loves partisan investigations. These make America strong, I guess, and what’s the use of having an FBI if you can’t use it to cripple your political opponents?

Nan loves socialism. She looked like she had just bitten into a cat turd thinking it was a tootsie roll when Bad Orange Man lied and said Socialism was bad.

Nan loves Iran having nuclear weapons, and she loves the idea of Genocide for Israel. I guess those two just go together.

I sure am glad I watched Nan while Bad Orange Man talked tonight. Now I know what to hate and what to like, and I don’t even have to think about it.

I’ll have what Nan’s having!